Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
FOOD IS OPTIONAL
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, APRIL 4, 2008
It has been a long time since America and Americans contemplated
bread lines, professionals selling apples and the like. It is my
hope we will never
again see such times, but things are getting a little hairy in some
areas...so maybe
this prompt will give you pause, and something to write about and
think about.
The prospect scares the pants offa me....how about you, are your
pantless too?
FLAT BROKE, TAP CITY, NOT EVEN A PENEY TO SPARE
Usual rules. 1000 words. In he subject line, please, your name, the word
Broke and the story title.
These may not be happy stories, you come up with...but they were once
part of
our reality.
Have fun
Irv.
4/4/08 Janine's Broke "Food Is Optional" 205 words
The joke goes: Food is Optional. The problem is it isn’t always a joke.
My mom was coming to visit for the first time since I separated from my husband. I couldn't let her see the empty cupboards. I didn't want her to know how broke I was.
As fate would have it, it was the first time credit cards were allowed to be used to buy groceries. I overflowed the shopping cart and had everything put away before she arrived.
That was fifteen years ago. Now that my life has taken an even worse turn, my electric bill brought my savings account to a negative balance because I needed that money to buy gas to get to work. I keep food in the car to eat on the way to and from work. That ran out just as my paycheck was deposited into the bank.
One day things will be much improved. I know it and I can feel it in my bones. One day my life as a stalking victim will be done and my life as a survivor of stalking will begin.
Could you spread the word? I want to make sure my stalkers know I'm ready to be done with them.
04/05/08
Hi Janine.
The voice in this tale sounds nicely dark. It made me feel that terrible things would happen. I felt sympathetic with the protag, but she came through as quite a confused person. I'd hoped to hear in the end she killed her stallker in a vicious way that juries would applaud. But that didn't happen. Instead there was a plea to readers.
Since this is really a story about a stalking victim, I think the food issue is a diversion. The setup is about not having food, but then that's somehow modified to turn this into a story about being stalked.
I found several sentences unclear. I've marked them in my critique.
Regards, Mike
FOOD IS OPTIONAL by Janine Bouyssounouse 205 words
The joke goes: Food is Optional. The problem is it isn’t always a joke. @@@ this prelude spoils the story for me. So does the title. What I mean is that I’m going into the story with notions that you’ve already set up. Consider changing the title, and not giving the story away by including a joke, or a cynical statement about a joke. @@@
My mom was coming to visit for the first time since I separated from my husband. I couldn't let her see the empty cupboards. I didn't want her to know how broke I was. @@@ These sentences are powerful enough to open this story without the prelude. @@@
As fate would have it, it was the first time credit cards were allowed to be used to buy groceries. @@@ Sentence is a bit awkward. Consider rewriting to make this more active. Also, what does fate have to do with grocery purchases using credit cards? I think it’s enough to tell us she had no choice but to use here nearly maxed-out credit card. @@@
I overflowed the shopping cart and had everything put away before she arrived.
That was fifteen years ago. Now that my life has taken an even worse turn, my electric bill brought my savings account to a negative balance because I needed that money to buy gas to get to work. @@@ This is a bit confusing. If she spent her last saved dime to pay for electricity, what does that have to do with money to buy gas? I’m not sure what you are trying to say in this sentence. Do you mean she broke her savings account to pay for gas to get to work, thereby was unable to pay the electric bill? Or the opposite? @@@
I keep food in the car to eat on the way to and from work. @@@ Sounds weird. Makes it sound like the only time she eats is when she’d driving in both directions to/from work. Same food could be had at work and home. So, I don’t get the thrust of this statement. @@@
That ran out just as my paycheck was deposited into the bank. @@@ I don’t get the connection about food running out and a bank deposit. @@@
One day things will be much improved. I know it and I can feel it in my bones. One day my life as a stalking victim will be done and my life as a survivor of stalking will begin. @@@ This would make a terrific opener @@@
Could you spread the word? I want to make sure my stalkers know I'm ready to be done with them. @@@ The plea to spread the word doesn’t ensure she’ll have food, which is what I thought this story was about. @@@
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 04/05/08