Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
HAVE A NICE DAY, HONEY!
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SUNDAY, APRIL 6, 2008
Life's pleasures are as you know, diminshing. The inroads that
have been made by TV, Cell Phones, Blueteath (whatever the hell they
are)
and all the rest have minimized the real pleasures. But there is very
little
that compares to that first taste of good coffee in the Morning. So,
tell us about
that. Weave a story about that, I bet you can because it is an
experience
most of us look forward to. How do you want yours, cream and sugar?
OHHH GREAT! THAT FIRST SIP OF MORNING COFFEE
Usual rules. In the subject line, please, your name, the
word Coffee and the story title.
No, you don't have to go to Starbucks, it's a lot cheaper at
MickyD's...and probably just as good, unless you pour it into your
lap...
Have a good one.
Enjoy
Irv
04/06/08 Janine's Coffee "Have A Nice Day, Honey!" 203 words
"Oh great! That first sip of morning coffee." Jim said to Kelly.
"Is that a crack about my ability to make coffee?" Kelly snapped back.
The look on Jim's face said the jig was up. She knew he hated her coffee and was just being polite. He thought she probably already knew what he did to substitute for that cup of coffee as well.
"Now that you mention it, I don't like your coffee. I have been trying to be polite about it as you are my wife. As you probably already know, I leave here in the morning with plenty of time to have a second cup of coffee. This is after fooling around with my mistress, Cary. Her coffee is much better and my day is off to a good start."
Kelly spoke slowly, "Thank you very much for your honesty. Now I don't have to get a private eye to find out the truth I already suspected. I expect you out of the house by the time I get back from work today. My lawyer will contact you with the details of the divorce."
Kelly walked out the front door and yelled back at Jim, "Have a nice day, Honey!"
04/06/08
Hi Janine. This seems like the start of a much longer story. I made a few comments for your consideration.
Regards, Mike
HAVE A NICE DAY, HONEY
Oh great! That first sip of morning coffee." Jim said to Kelly.
"Is that a crack about my ability to make coffee?" Kelly snapped back.
The look on Jim's face said the jig was up. She knew he hated her coffee and was just being polite. He thought she probably already knew what he did to substitute for that cup of coffee as well.
"Now that you mention it, I don't like your coffee. I have been trying to be polite about it as you are my wife. @@@ The fact that he’s mentioning to her that she’s his wife sounds like a brain dump for the benefit of the reader. She knows she’s his wife. A way around this is to indicate K is his wife in the first sentence. Then you can avoid dialog that sounds a bit contrived. @@@
As you probably already know, I leave here in the morning with plenty of time to have a second cup of coffee. This is after fooling around with my mistress, Cary. Her coffee is much better and my day is off to a good start."
Kelly spoke slowly, "Thank you very much for your honesty. Now I don't have to get a private eye to find out the truth I already suspected. I expect you out of the house by the time I get back from work today. My lawyer will contact you with the details of the divorce."
Kelly walked out the front door and yelled back at Jim, "Have a nice day, Honey!"
04/06/08
Janine
I'm new to the list and wasn't able to post this note about your
piece. Hope it's helpful:
Janine
This piece is a story of discovery in which a wife learns her husband
is unfaithful. The vehicle for this discovery is coffee and the
observation that the husband does not like his wife's coffee (I'm old
enough I remember the Yuban commercial about this) is apparently one
the wife has noticed for some time.
I agree with the poster who pointed out the dialogue is used here to
tell the reader things that the characters already know, but will add
that one thing that works really well about the dialogue: the sense
that both people have their own agendas, which makes the conversation
seem more real.
At the risk of saying in more words than the story itself I'll just
add that the biggest question in my mind is Why Today? The story
tells us that the issue with the husband, and forgive me, has been
brewing for some time now. What was it about today when the wife
confronts him that is different from yesterday or a month ago in the
now of the story? What has changed that has given her the gumption
to confront him? I have a sense that if you answer this any other
questions I have will be addressed.
best
Leslie
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 04/06/08