Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
JUST ANOTHER GAME OF CARDS
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SIMDAY DECEMBER 30, 2007
It is, as yu allknow, the last Sunday of this year. should I feel
sad, should I feel
happy, what the hell should I feel? Another year gone by, and I am
not sure what I
have to show for it.
I've lost friends and aquaintances, but I am still here,
miraculously. When one is
young, say 50 or 60, you never think of your demise, but as time goes
by, more and
more you contemplate the end. I have no thought about it...it will
come and then
you will have someone else to plague you with these prompts. But what
the hell...
I wake up ever morning, and if I am not quite full of P&V, i
certainly am confronted
with the P part. Oh nuts. it is the year end, and we have 2008 to
look forward to.
Me, I hope I am around to cheer on Jan. 20, 2009---that will be day
that should be
celebrated. If you don't know why, think about it. If you can't
figure it out, ask me
I'll happily share that info with you. Here's the prompt, have fun..
DEALER STANDS PAT: I'LL PLAY THE CARDS I HAVE...
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your name, the
word
Dealer and the story title. Come on now, shuffle over to a word
processing
site and start to write. I hope it will be a good deal of fun for
you. It should be....
Happy New Year.
Irv.
Janine's Dealer JUST ANOTHER GAME OF CARDS 49 words
The gambler stood, pulled out his six-shooter and shot the man across from him.
The gambler sat down, turned to the man next to the dead man and said, "How many cards do you want?"
The man next to the dead man said, "I'll play the cards I have."
12/30/07
Hi Janine. Vivid opener. Good visual. But I don't get the ending. We don't know exactly why a player was shot. If he had, for example, asked for two cards, that'd at least give a reason, arcane that might be. So the punch line is lost on me, since we don't have a basis on which the gambler will shoot players. Or maybe asking for cards is enough to drive that loon over the edge.
Nevertheless, the economy of words here is noteworthy. Would like to see one of your longer works using the same economy.
Nitty, but from a minamalist POV, whether or not the gambler stood to do his dastardly deed is superflous. And there's no need to tell us he pulled his gun. If you just said he shot the player, we'd already realise he had to pull a gun from somewhere. Economy of words. Heh-heh. Also, I wonder why we got another report of a character having to turn to somebody to do something. If the player in question was next to the now dead man, seems the gambler would already be facing him. I see endless reports of characters having to turn to do something. Nothing drives me up the wall more than that, well, except for needless repetition. Fortunately, this piece has no repetition.
Regards, Mike
12/30/07
The story seems a little cliché, but since it's really short, I think
it works. It gets right to the point. Nice work.
Nichole
12/31/07
Hi Janine
Lots of action in these few words. I like the story, for sure.
A couple of suggestions:
The gambler (dealer) stood, pulled out his six-shooter and shot the man
(player) across from him.
The gambler (He) sat down, turned to the (next) man and said, "How many
cards do you want?"
The man (player) next to the dead man said, "I'll play the cards I have."
Neat story!
Sue
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 12/31/07