Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
LITTLE JON
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, MARCH 7, 2008
How many times in your life have you thought about
'getting even"? I is something I think we all do, but of course
rarely follow up or find a way. Now you can give vent to your
wishes...and get even with whomever your fancy dictates.
You have my permission..so go ahead, use it.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF THIS. I PROMISE YOU,
I'LL GET EVEN...SO WATCH YOUR BACK, YOU SCUM
usual rules. 1000 words. In he subject line, please
your name, the word EVEN and the story title.
Retribution is a joy. So let yourself be overwhelmed and
come up with a nice juicy solution. Bet you can, too.
Have fun
Irv
03/08/08 Janine's Even "Little Jon" 82 words
"Stand up against the doorway. I want to mark how tall you are now, Steve." the mom fussed.
"My turn! My turn! I want to be measured!" Steve's little brother, Jon exclaimed.
"There you are, Jon. You are only two inches shorter than your big brother."
Steve stuck out his tongue at Jon.
"I promise you. I'll get even with you. You watch your back the next time we measure up." Jon stuck his tongue out at the end of his tirade.
03/08/08
Hi Janine. Something to consider: this is mundane, compared to other stuff you write. What would make this more exciting is a sentence or two on how Jon slicked and diced Steve to get even. Or vice-versa. Then his mom. Heh-heh.
Something else to consider: nobody in this piece says anything. They fuss things and exclaim things. Nice for creative writing classes where they want us to be so creative that we can go nuts searching for alternatives to "said" and "asked." I’ve seen editors complain about this in magazine guidelines. And I read tons of guidelines, because I often submit up to 6 stories a day somewhere in the world.
Regards, Mike
03/08/09
Janine,
Nice take on the prompt. Only one little crit. I don't
think that Jon's speech at the end is a tirade, so you
can save words by removing the last six words.
Thanks for a fun read.
connie
03/09/08
Hi Janine,
I'm afraid this piece was too bland for my personal liking, but I'm sure
you can fix that as it has potential. Some comments below.
LITTLE JON
"Stand up against the doorway. I want to mark how tall you are now,
Steve." the mom fussed. ##I'm one of those editors who doesn't like to
see substitutes for 'said' unless they really add something. Whether you
keep 'fussed' or not, the ending needs a little correction: how tall you
are now, Steve," Mom fussed.##
"My turn! My turn! I want to be measured!" Steve's little brother, Jon
exclaimed.##same dislike :-) Try: Steve's little brother, Jon, said.##
"There you are, Jon. You are only two inches shorter than your big
brother." ##Delete all words after 'shorter', as you've already told us
this is the little brother.##
Steve stuck out his tongue at Jon.
"I promise you. I'll get even with you. You watch your back the next
time we measure up." Jon stuck his tongue out at the end of his tirade.
##Suggestions: don't have them both sticking out their tongues. I don't
know if a child would know the expression 'watch your back'. Maybe "I'll
fix you!" It's not a tirade.
You need to make this happening more exciting and end with something
satisfying.
A dark idea: you could have something like:
Jon stuck out his tongue, then went off to find Daddy's toolbox. Back in
his room, he waited with the saw to take Steve down a peg-- two pegs, in
fact.
I'm sure you could do much better. There are also other possibilities.
Have fun with it.
Best wishes,
Jonette
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 03/09/08