Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE DEED IS DONE
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: MARCH 30, 2007
Sorry to be late this morning. Unfortunately, things got in the
way of my getting to the computer. And, so, I am later than I should
be. However, I have persevered, and managed to get to the computer,
finally. Here is your prompt, it deals with...well, whatever it deals
with you will decide. I frankly don't have an idea...but I am sure you will.
FAINT HEARTED
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please your name
and the word faint and the story title. Get with it, be dominant
work is the secret of success. Just ask the Nazi's they used to
have this over the gates of the crematorium and concentration camps:
Arbeit macht frie...
The concept is probably right....
Irv.
03/30/07 FAINT Janine Bouyssounouse "The Deed Is Done" 239 wc
"Oh, the blood!" cried Margaret. "What shall we do? It’s all over the place."
Mark staggered over to the couch and sank into it, ignoring Margaret.
"I didn’t know it would be so messy. How do we clean it up?" continued Margaret as she walked over to Mark.
Mark turned to stare at her. "What did you expect? The deed is done. Now we move forward."
"But we didn’t discuss what to do with all of the evidence. How do we get rid of the body? How do we get the stain out of the carpet?" Margaret started to pace with her hands on the sides of her face, shaking her head back and forth.
Mark returned to staring at the wall with no response.
"How can you sit there? How can you not react? Why aren’t you doing something? We have to get out of here and leave town." Margaret grabbed her purse and jacket.
Mark turned to look at the pool of blood surrounding the gunshot wound Margaret left in her husband’s skull.
"Aren’t you coming with me? Are you just going to stay with the body?" Margaret dashed to the door only to hear the loud pounding of a fist intent on coming in the door.
Mark watched as Margaret slumped against the door, blocking the entrance for the police. He lit a cigarette and took a drag. "Murder is not for the faint of heart."
3/31/07
Hi Janine, What a great story! I only wondered why Mark staggered over to the couch. I thought at first he was the one who was shot. I've made a few comments below just to help tighten. Use or toss them as you see fit. thanks for the read, Sandra
sunshine99@Safe-mail.net wrote: "Oh, the blood!" cried Margaret. "What shall we do? It's all over the place."
Mark staggered over to the couch and sank into it, ignoring Margaret.
"I didn't know it would be so messy. How do we clean it up?" continued XX could just be me, but continued threw me out of the story perhaps asked? XX Margaret as she walked over to Mark.
Mark turned to stare at her. "What did you expect? The deed is done. Now we move forward."
"But we didn't discuss what to do with all of the evidence. How do we get rid of the body? How do we get the stain out of the carpet?" Margaret started to pace XXX Could end this sentence right here and drop the rest. XXX with her hands on the sides of her face, shaking her head back and forth.
Mark returned to staring at the wall with no response.XXX How did Mark return to staring at the wall when we never saw him staring at it to begin with? Perhaps just - Mark made no response.? XXX
"How can you sit there? How can you not react? Why aren't you doing something? We have to get out of here and leave town." Margaret grabbed her purse and jacket.
Mark turned to lookXXX instead of turned to look, perhaps - Mark looked? XXX at the pool of blood surrounding the gunshot wound Margaret left in her husband's skull.
"Aren"t you coming with me? Are you just going to stay with the body?" Margaret dashed to the door only to hear the loud pounding of a fist intent on coming in the door.
Mark watched as Margaret slumped against the door, blocking the entrance for the police. He lit a cigarette and took a drag. "Murder is not for the faint of heart." XXX These last two paragraphs felt awkward to me. Perhaps -
"Aren't you coming with me? Are you just going to stay with the body?"
They heard pounding on the door. Someone in the neighborhood had called the police. Mark watched as Margaret slumped against the door, trying to block their entrance. He lit a cigarette and took a drag.
"Murder is not for the faint of heart," he said. XXX
3/31/07
Thanks for the comments... Actually the slumping against the door was supposed to be her fainting... Do you have a better idea of how to show that? I thought it was too obvious to say she fainted.
-Janine
3/31/07
Hi Janine, Sometimes the obvious works best. Or you could have her collapse in a heap, blocking the door so the cops had to shove her across the floor with the door as they entered. Or since she's been talking so much - she finally ran out of breath and fell against the door. Or at the peak of her panic attack, she passed out. Yep, I get carried away. Sometimes it works best if you put yourself in your character's shoes and imagine every possible thing that could happen then choose the one that's most outside of the box. Hope this helps, Sandra
4/2/07
Good take on the prompt, Janine! A very interesting story. I think the second sentence is a little too theatrical and would delete it. I agree with another critiquer that "...continued Margaret..." doesn't work. "Asked or said" is less intrusive to the reader. Nice ending.
Harriett
This story will appear in the August issue of The Shine Journal. This is my ninth story to be published.
The Deed Is Done The Shine! Journal August 2008 Issue
08/21/08
Hi All,
I just heard from the Shine Journal (www.theshinejournal.com) that they will be publishing my flash fiction story "The Sweetest Taste" in October. The story was a response to a prompt on this site back in July. Their response was super quick and their submission process is easy.. If you haven't checked the site out you should. Janine has a great story on there now ; ).
Thanks to one and all for your continued encouragement and support and to Irv for his great prompts!
Catherine
08/21/08
Congrats Janine and Catherine. Do remind us when they're available for
reading. What a great group. YAYAYAY
Jax
09/14/08
Janine,
Congrats. Lot said in few words and no I reckon murder is not for the faint of heart. Nice work. Congrats.
Sharon
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 09/14/08