Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
A FAMILY SUCH AS THEIRS
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 2008 (FATHER'S DAY)
I sometimes wonder what it is that makes holidays like Father's Day,
Mother's Day a holiday. It doesn't take any skill, or talent, to make
babies.
Any adult can do it...(with a few exceptions) yet we make a big deal
of it.
I guess those of us who are parents deserve some recognition, and
this is
the way to do it. But I wonder why, sometime. Retailers benefit by
it, and
so do restaurants and other businesses. But do we really have to go
all out
the way we do? It is some kind of an enigma, I think. But we make a
big
deal of it, and probably that's okay. Now, see if you can make a big
deal of
this prompt: I think it is rife with potential. What do you think?
THE FAMILY WAS ASSEMBLED AFTER THE FUNERAL FOR THEIR MOTHER.
"KIDS", THE FATHER SAID TO THE FOUR ADULTS, "I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS
NOW...
I AM NOT THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER TO ANY OF YOU..."
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your name the
word Family
and the story title. Think about the prompt, it might give us all a
reason to pause and
consider. What do we know for sure?
Have a nice Father's Day...and have fun with this.
Irv
06/15/08 Janine's Family "A Family Such As Theirs" 925 words
The family was assembled after the funeral for their mother. "Kids," the father said to the four adults. "I have to tell you this now... I am not the biological father to any of you..."
There was silence. Fred finally turned to the man he knew as his dad for thirty years and said, "Excuse me?"
"I don't have any swimmers. I never did." his dad went on to say.
Sally asked the obvious. "So who is our biological father, if there is just one? And how many times did he sleep with mom? Did you have an open marriage as they say? Are you nuts telling us this on the day we mourn the death of our mom?" Sally was always long-winded. A trait her dad by marriage secretly liked about her. He figured she would never find a man to put up with her and she would always stay at home with him.
"Now, now. I am sure you all have many questions. Shall we all go out to eat? I'll explain everything there." The puzzled group decided to go along with this insanity and hear what he had to say.
After they all ordered food, their dad went on to explain, "Your mother and I always wanted to have children, but we both knew it wouldn't be possible in the normal way. So we found a young chap to help. He was quite willing to keep the secret as well as do the deed, so to speak."
"Okay, this is just disgusting. Do you even know where our biological father is?" Paul blurted out.
Yes, actually. I send him a yearly update as requested. He has pictures of you growing up and I send a nice letter once a year. He lives in the next town over. His name is..."
Bob interrupted, "Are you kidding? The next town over? Do we already know him?"
"Well, you might have run into him every once in a while. He's the grocery delivery man for the area. You know, Groceries Are Us." their dad went on to explain.
"You mean Grocery Al? That's our biological father?" Fred said.
"Yes. He's quite proud of all of you." their dad said.
"Does he know you are telling us this? Does he want us to know? Does he even want anything to do with us?" Sally said.
"The agreement was always to let the secret out if either your mother or I died. We felt that was the best plan." their dad said.
"Why now?" Paul wanted to know.
"Well, I have to leave and I thought it would be nice for you to know that you still have a dad to turn to once I am gone." their dad said.
Bob had to ask, "So where is it that you have to go to now that mom is gone? Do you have another woman?"
"It's more like another life, rather than another woman, Bob." their dad said.
Sally asked, "So what is this new life you are leaving us for?"
He replied, "Well, you see, I am from another planet and my time on this one is done. I must return for my next assignment. You are all my legacy and I will treasure my time here with you."
Paul chimed in, "So you're not our real dad. You're an alien and Grocery Al is our real dad. Is that right?"
"Why yes, it is. Any questions?" their alien dad said.
"I suppose taking you to a shrink isn't going to fix this." Bob said.
"Well, taking me to a shrink will only bring up more questions. I will be gone in the next hour. So there really won't be any time for the shrink to watch me disappear and still make his diagnoses. It's a little pointless." said the alien.
Sally said, "So if we sit here long enough, you will just fade into nothing?"
The alien dad said, "That's pretty much it. I will fade into another plane of reality and then move back to my planet by the speed of thought. Grocery Al will be happy to fill you in on any of the details. I wrote him detailed information in those yearly letters so he could help once I was gone."
So Paul, Bob, Fred and Sally all sat at the restaurant. They continued to ask their alien dad question after question. Then he faded away while no one else was looking and left them with the bill and Grocery Al as their dad.
Years later, the four gathered on Father's Day to wish Grocery Al a happy Father's Day. It had become more of a joke than a loving tradition. He confirmed everything the alien said. And on this Father's Day Grocery Al gave them all the gift of their own copies of the years of letters from the alien.
In those letters were the directions to contact him if they ever needed anything. They all looked at each other and decided not to discuss it any further. The next year, they gathered again and Grocery Al asked them the all important question. "Did you call him?"
None of them would look him in the eye. They had all secretly contacted him, one by one. They all made special trips to his world and came back in the blink of an eye. They were all traveling on their own and all had alternate lives back on their alien dad's planet. All was as it should be for a family such as theirs.
06/15/08
Hi Janine,
I like the outcome of this story. Good job with the
prompt. -Rita
06/15/08
Hi Janine,
Nicely written. Clever.
However, since you decided to take a mundane story (I'm really not your dad) and turn it into a speculative fiction tale, you really bring in the spec fic elements very late. I counted 505 words of ordinary chat--the kind I've read in a number of like stories. That's more than 50% of the story that goes by until you introduce the first element of spec fic.
Consequently, it almost seems contrived at that point. I think the best way to eliminate all that is to drop a few hundred words of setup and get to the alien idea as quickly as you can. At least by word 100.
Thus, to summarize the above: The setup is far too long.
Two things began to grate on my reader sensitivities: constrant repetition of Grocery Al and alien dad. It's OK for a couple times, then it gets old very fast, and actually burns up more word count than necessary. After mentioning Grocery Al a few times for comic effect, then it's time to call him Al. And same with alien dad. Find a way to get around that constant repetition as well.
I didn't cite anything in particular in your manuscript. The above comments cover everything I wanted to say.
Regards, Mike
06/16/08
Hi Janine,
Love the idea of this and it has a nice happy ending.
I do agree with Mike, though. You have a lot of extra words/details that slow down the read.
A few notes below.
Regards,
Catherine
A FAMILY SUCH AS THEIRS by Janine Bouyssunouse 925 words
The family was assembled after the funeral for their mother. "Kids," the father said to the four adults. "I have to tell you this now... I am not the biological father to any of you..."
There was silence. Fred finally turned to the man he knew as his dad for thirty years and said, "Excuse me?"
"I don't have any swimmers. I never did." his dad went on to say.
Sally asked the obvious. "So who is our biological father, if there is just one? And how many times did he sleep with mom? Did you have an open marriage as they say? Are you nuts telling us this on the day we mourn the death of our mom?" Sally was always long-winded. A trait her dad by marriage secretly liked about her. He figured she would never find a man to put up with her and she would always stay at home with him.
"Now, now. I am sure you all have many questions. Shall we all go out to eat? I'll explain everything there." The puzzled group decided to go along with this insanity and hear what he had to say.
After they all ordered food, their dad went on to explain, @@@think you could start the story here without losing anything@@@"Your mother and I always wanted to have children, but we both knew it wouldn't be possible in the normal way. So we found a young chap to help. He was quite willing to keep the secret as well as do the deed, so to speak."
"Okay, this is just disgusting. Do you even know where our biological father is?" Paul blurted out.
Yes, actually. I send him a yearly update as requested. He has pictures of you growing up and I send a nice letter once a year. He lives in the next town over. His name is..."
Bob interrupted, "Are you kidding? The next town over? Do we already know him?"
"Well, you might have run into him every once in a while. He's the grocery delivery man for the area. You know, Groceries Are Us." their dad went on to explain.
"You mean Grocery Al? That's our biological father?" Fred said.
"Yes. He's quite proud of all of you." their dad said.
"Does he know you are telling us this? Does he want us to know? Does he even want anything to do with us?" Sally said.
"The agreement was always to let the secret out if either your mother or I died. We felt that was the best plan." their dad said.
"Why now?" Paul wanted to know..
"Well, I have to leave and I thought it would be nice for you to know that you still have a dad to turn to once I am gone." their dad said.
Bob had to ask, "So where is it that you have to go to now that mom is gone? Do you have another woman?"
"It's more like another life, rather than another woman, Bob." their dad said.
Sally asked, "So what is this new life you are leaving us for?"
He replied, "Well, you see, I am from another planet and my time on this one is done. I must return for my next assignment. You are all my legacy and I will treasure my time here with you."
Paul chimed in, "So you're not our real dad. You're an alien and Grocery Al is our real dad. Is that right?" @@@love Paul's summary ; )@@@
"Why yes, it is. Any questions?" their alien dad said.
"I suppose taking you to a shrink isn't going to fix this." Bob said.
"Well, taking me to a shrink will only bring up more questions. I will be gone in the next hour. So there really won't be any time for the shrink to watch me disappear and still make his diagnoses. It's a little pointless." said the alien.
Sally said, "So if we sit here long enough, you will just fade into nothing?"
The alien dad said, "That's pretty much it. I will fade into another plane of reality and then move back to my planet by the speed of thought. Grocery Al will be happy to fill you in on any of the details. I wrote him detailed information in those yearly letters so he could help once I was gone."
So Paul, Bob, Fred and Sally all sat at the restaurant. They continued to ask their alien dad question after question. Then he faded away while no one else was looking and left them with the bill and Grocery Al as their dad.
Years later, the four gathered on Father's Day to wish Grocery Al a happy Father's Day. It had become more of a joke than a loving tradition. He confirmed everything the alien said. And on this Father's Day Grocery Al gave them all the gift of their own copies of the years of letters from the alien.
In those letters were the directions to contact him if they ever needed anything. They all looked at each other and decided not to discuss it any further. The next year, they gathered again and Grocery Al asked them the all important question. "Did you call him?"
None of them would look him in the eye. They had all secretly contacted him, one by one. They all made special trips to his world and came back in the blink of an eye. They were all traveling on their own and all had alternate lives back on their alien dad's planet. All was as it should be for a family such as theirs. @@@you kinda left this open for a longer story or series of stories which is cool ; )@@@
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 06/16/08