Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
METAL IN THE SAND
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: TUESDAY, MARCH 4, 2008
Sometiems een us old folks, like me, find hat they are pressed for time.
This is one of those mornings. I have some very early appointments,
so I have very little time
to pontificate. Here's your prompt...see what you can do with it.
HEY GUYS, LOOK OVER HERE, LOOK WHAT I FOUND
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line please, your name, the word
found and the story title. If you don't have a clue, start looking
under the
papers on your desk. Bet you'll find something worth writing about,
even if it
a bill that requires a check.
Have fun
Irv
03/03/08 Janine's Found "Metal in the Sand" 303 words
"Hey guys, look over here, look what I found." Greg called out.
"What is it?" a friend yelled from down the beach.
The guys all stood in a circle around a metal object sticking out of the sand.
Greg put his hand on it and to the guys' amazement he disappeared.
"What do we do now?!" Tom said to the others.
"Let's see what happens when we do it." They all touched the metal at the same time and ended up next to Greg in a forest.
"Where are we?" Tom asked.
"We're in a jungle, but never mind that. Look up ahead. There is another piece of metal like the first one!" Greg exclaimed.
"Should we try it again and see if it takes us back to the beach?" Tom suggested.
"We've got nothing to lose. We're already lost." Greg led the way.
They disappeared again only to wind up in a different location with a different piece of metal near them. They continued jumping from one place to another, stopping to enjoy the sights, but never staying in one place too long. Thieving became an easy way to make a living with an easy get away built in.
One day, Greg got tired of this life with nowhere to call home. The rest of the guys wanted to continue and told him he could stay behind if he wanted to.
Greg watched as they all jumped to their next location. He grabbed onto the metal a few minutes after them and wound up back at the beach where their journey started.
Startled, he wondered if they all had control over their destinations the whole time. He decided not to experiment anymore and instead enjoyed a quiet life at home in his mansion built around the hunk of metal in the sand.
03/05/08
Hi Janine,
Great idea. Well executed. Dialog is right on the money. Proves there's no place like home. I thought the close was a big weak, but overall the story works. I didn't get the bit aobut destiny/control.
Suggest you send this to the flash ficton editor of Apollo's Lyre online magazine for potential publication. www.apollos-lyre.com I forget the name of the flash ficiton editor. She replace me when I resigned that spot a couple years ago. That magazine has won awards.
May I suggest you change the title? It already tells us what the story's about. Naturally there's far more to the story. Here's what came to my mind when I read this: There's No Place Like Home. That way nobody has a clue, and finding metal in the sand is a complete surprise. Or: The Drifters. Lots of things would work without giving a clue to the story. Just something offered for your consideration.
Regards, Mike
03/05/08
I enjoyed the story. I like the way it ended in some ways. But I felt that there was no real turning point in the middle and the moral story rather disturbs me. I don't have to like the morality of it, it's your story and quite clever. But I would suggest that you perhaps add a sentence to see his character change. I may be wrong about flash, but I have to assume that in all fiction there should be some change or growth in the main character to make a strong story and a satisfying ending. Or without change, the main character should at least reap the consequences of that lack of growth to satisfy the reader. But I agree that the story has a lot of merit. Good job!
Suzanne
03/05/08
Hi Janine. In my critique, I said the ending was a big weak. I mean to type: a BIT weak.
Regards, Mike
03/05/08
Hi Janine,
The metal pieces in each world is a neat idea. One thing -- when Greg
decides not to go with the guys, I didn't understand why he touched the
metal instead of building a life where he was. But it worked out for him in
the end.
Linda
03/07/08
Janine,
Good hook with the enticing metal, then hurrying on with the disappearance. Had to stretch a little to believe that all the guys would have done it. Also, how many guys were there? Good conflict with them settling in to the new life style that allowed them to do whatever they wanted knowing they had a surefire get away. Interesting that Gred got tired of it and wanted to go home. You gave him leadership character traits, but when he decided to go home, the guys didn't follow. The conclusion would have settled better if there was a reason they didn't follow. I'm not sure I understood the mansion at the end. Did Greg make a lot of money with his metal jumping escapades? Building a durable building on sand takes lots of foundation. He'd need lots of money. Getting away from the details, I enjoyed this fantasy ride and feel like it could be expanded with more details and further info on the guys into a nice novelette. No tech nits. Thanks for the read,
Sharon
03/09/08
Hi Janine,
This is an interesting idea. I feel you can develop it into an even more
fascinating story.
Comments below.
METAL IN THE SAND ##stronger title needed##
"Hey guys, look over here, look what I found." Greg called out.
"What is it?" a friend yelled from down the beach.
The guys all stood in a circle around a metal object sticking out of the
sand.##I'd like to know what it looked like.##
Greg put his hand on it and to the guys' amazement he disappeared.
"What do we do now?!" Tom said to ##asked## the others.
"Let's see what happens when we do it." They all touched the metal at
the same time and ended up next to Greg in a forest.
"Where are we?" Tom asked.
"We're in a jungle, ##I consider a jungle to be more tropical than a
forest. I think you can get around this by ending the first jump 'next
to Greg'.## but never mind that. Look up ahead. There is another piece
of metal like the first one!" Greg exclaimed. ##This didn't sound
believable. Why not describe the jungle/forest and have them explore a
bit. Maybe they can start their stealing spree and you can give them an
exciting chase and get-away with the second discovery of a metal object.
If you follow this advice, of course, the next few sentences would have
to be changed.##
"Should we try it again and see if it takes us back to the beach?" Tom
suggested.
"We've got nothing to lose. We're already lost." Greg led the way.
They disappeared again only to wind up in a different location with a
different piece of metal near them. They continued jumping from one
place to another, stopping to enjoy the sights, but never staying in one
place too long. Thieving became an easy way to make a living with an
easy get away built in. ##The bland terms 'object' or 'piece' for the
metal take away from the excitement of the story. I think you can turn
this into a very exciting adventure, with lots of interesting 'treasure'
and escapes. Do they remain on Earth or get to visit unknown worlds? Is
the metal native to our planet or some mysterious, unrecognizable
material? Does it give off a sound or feel hot or cold or vibrating to
the touch? All these details would add to this piece.##
One day, Greg got tired of this life with nowhere to call home. ##Why?
Why did this happen and why did it happen only to Greg? How long had
they been traveling? ##The rest of the guys wanted to continue and told
him he could stay behind if he wanted to. ##Delete 'to'.##
Greg watched as they all jumped to their next location. He grabbed onto
the metal a few minutes after them and wound up back at the beach where
their journey started. ##I wonder why he managed to end up at the beach,
because at the first jump, the other boys followed later and ended up at
his destination.##
Startled, he wondered if they all had control over their destinations
the whole time. ##This is a very interesting question, which you abandon
too quickly.'##He decided not to experiment anymore and instead enjoyed
a quiet life at home in his mansion built around the hunk of metal in
the sand. ##The story deserves a better ending. Maybe something happened
that made him not only return, but destroy or hide the metal object.
Please forgive my imagination for running away with me, but you've
really made me think about this piece. What if Greg is the only one of
the group with a conscience, and decides to somehow
abandon the others by somehow taking the metal with him, or somehow
making it impossible for them to get away when he does. That way, he
could be abandoning them to the justice of whatever place they are stuck
in, while he gets to return home because he is innocent of the thievery
or other crimes? Just food for thought.
Thanks for giving me lots of fun imagining possibilities. I hope my
comments are useful.
Best wishes,
Jonette
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 03/09/08