Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE HUNT
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2009
May is gone, as of the end of the day, and then we are into
June, June, june. It can be a good month or a lousy, one I guess.
I'm sort of looking forward to it, I don't have any plans
but it might work out well. Meanwhile, things just move along.
Not only for me, but for all of us...and ain't much you can do about it.
My wife's birthday is tomorrow and we had a small dinner party for her
at my son's house. They served the biggest lobster I have ever
sunk a tooth into. Very good. Reminded me of my days in college
up in Maine. We used to go to the shore, buy a lobster from a lobster
man and melted butter from the store across the street. Then, after
the lobster was boiled in real ocean brine, we would put it on a table,
and break it open with a hammer. Nothing fancy, like plates or dishes,
just good eating. And, although I don't remember specifically, it
was probably very cheap. Oh that was the good old days, when the
world was young.>br>
Here's your prompt, nothing to do with above. See what you can make
of it. It should be a challenge....
THE OLD MAN LAY IN THE HOSPITAL BED. HE LOOKED AROUND AT THE
FAMILY AND WHISPERED," , I SEE." LISTEN, THERE ARE SOME
HIDDEN ASSETS, THE FIRT CLUE WILL BE IN THE HOUSE, YOU'LL HAVE
TO GO FROM THERE TO FIND THEM. HE GROANED, CLOSED HIS EYES, AND WAS
GONE...
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your name, the
word hospital and the story title. There be a veritable fortune to look
for here. Can you do it in 1000 words. I hope so.
Have fun
Irv
06/01/09 Janine's hospital THE HUNT 147 words
"Hey George. The bad news is grandpa just died. The good news is he left us a treasure hunt. Are you in?"
"Shouldn't we be planning a funeral or something?"
"Mom's doing that. Our job is to find the hidden assets. The first clue is to go look where we spent our elementary school days."
"That's an awfully vague clue, Charlie."
"Well, there is more to it than that. He wrote stories that lead us to the clues."
"Do you get the idea this is kind of a joke? What would grandpa consider an asset anyway?"
"Oh, your thinking of the toilet seat cribbage board."
A few days later...
"Well George, are you glad we did the treasure hunt?"
"Yeah, but I think it was grandpa's way of making us listen to his stories after he's gone."
"Yeah, but the bag of gold nuggets sure is nice."
06/01/09
Nice story. Only crit is that I'd like to know how they listened to his stories one more time.
06/02/09
Hi Janine,
Cute lille story, but ended abruptly. Maybe you should follow the treasure hunt for a bit before ending the story. -Rita
06/02/09
Hi Janine,
Fun story with a neat concept. See my comments.
Meanwhile, this could be even more entertaining if you decided to write a second version and gave us more details about this 'treasure hunt.' It could show us what a frisky guy grandpa was, plus we could have fun reading all the ups and downs of what it took to end up with a bag of gold nuggets. In today's world, that amount of gold could make them quite wealthy.
A second, more fleshed-out version, could include some excerpts from grandpa's stories, which I imagine would be fun to read.
CRITIQUE
THE HUNT by Janine Bouyssounouse 147 words
"Hey George. The bad news is grandpa just died. The good news is he left us a treasure hunt. Are you in?" @@@ Snappy opener that grabbed my attention. Good set up, too. @@@
"Shouldn't we be planning a funeral or something?" @@@ I like this. Line of dialog. Shows something about the character. @@@
"Mom's doing that. Our job is to find the hidden assets.@ @@ Something to consider: this bit about ‘hidden assets’ threw me. I guess it would have come through more clearly if you had mentioned that their job is to find what grandpa called hidden assets. I don’t like to change any writer’s dialog. But I will offer ideas on how to expand or diminish it for more clarity. @@@
The first clue is to go look where we spent our elementary school days."
"That's an awfully vague clue, Charlie."
"Well, there is more to it than that. He wrote stories that lead us to the clues."
"Do you get the idea this is kind of a joke? What would grandpa consider an asset anyway?"
"Oh, your thinking of the toilet seat cribbage board." @@@ ‘Your’ should be ‘you’re.’ I often make this mistake myself when I’m typing real fast. @@@
A few days later... @@@ All you have to do to indicate a time change is use * * * which is an accepted standard.
"Well George, are you glad we did the treasure hunt?"
"Yeah, but I think it was grandpa's way of making us listen to his stories after he's gone."
"Yeah, but the bag of gold nuggets sure is nice."
End
06/02/09
Hi Janine
Thanks for submitting this one for us to read and review.
Would have liked to see this a bit longer, some of the stories grandpa made them listen to along the way. It seemed incomplete without this element.
Just my thoughts and opinions for you to take or toss as you see fit.
Good luck with your story.
Kind regards
Scott
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 06/02/09