Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE PHONE CALL
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: MARCH 25, 2007
Hi All,
As Irv mentioned on Friday, he's away today and asked me to post a
prompt to the group. So here you go...
IMPULSE
There's all kinds of impulses and impulsive behavior in the world.
Just choose one and run with it, impulsively. The usual rules as Irv
always says and in the sub line - your name, Impulse, and your title.
Have fun,
Sandra
3/30/07 IMPULSE Janine Bouyssounouse "The Phone Call" (155 wc)
She picked up the phone and dialed her mom.
"Hi Mom. I just had to call you today. Something told me you needed to hear from me."
"Hello Sweetie. How are you today?"
"Mom is something wrong? You don’t call me Sweetie."
"Oh the weather is just fine here. I wish you could see how beautiful it is."
"Mom, now I’m really worried. Is there someone with you?"
"I have to go now, dinner is starting to burn."
Darlene hung up the phone and called 911.
"911 What is the emergency?"
"I don’t know the phone number for the police in Sea Castle. My mother is in trouble. Can you send someone right away to 346 Newberry Lane?"
Darlene’s mom finally called her daughter after midnight that same night. The police arrived to find her at gun point. They took the man away and told Darlene’s mom to thank her daughter for saving her life.
3/31/07
Hi Janine, This is another good one! I've made a few suggestions below, just to help tighten. Use or toss as you see fit. Thanks for the read, Sandra
sunshine99@Safe-mail.net wrote: THE PHONE CALL
She picked up the phone and dialed her mom. XXX Could drop this first sentence as we know from the next one that she's on the phone and who she's talking to. XXX
"Hi Mom. I just had to call you today. Something told me you needed to hear from me."
"Hello Sweetie. How are you today?"
"Mom is something wrong? You don’t XXX perhaps never instead of don't XXX call me Sweetie."
"Oh the weather is just fine here. I wish you could see how beautiful it is."
"Mom, now I’m really worried.XXX Perhaps - Mom you're not making any sense? worried doesn't seem to fit, but it could just be me. XXX Is there someone with you?"
"I have to go now, dinner is starting to burn."
Darlene XXX I think if you decide to keep the first sentence you should use the name Darlene instead of she. Darlene came out of the blue here. You never introduced her to the reader. XXX hung up the phone and called 911.
"911 What is the emergency?"
"I don’t know the phone number for the police in Sea Castle. My mother is in trouble.XXX Perhaps reverse the first two sentences? That way the operator knows what's wrong up front. XXX Can you send someone right away to 346 Newberry Lane?"
Darlene’s mom finally called her daughter after midnight XXX could end the sentence here XXX that same night. The police XXX had? XXX arrived to find her at gun point. They took the man awayXXX Perhaps They arrested the man and ... XXX and told Darlene’s mom to thank her daughter for saving her life.
3/31/07
It's a little abrupt, Janine, but I like the premise.
Krys
Writing is no trouble: you just jot down ideas as they occur to you. The
jotting is simplicity itself -- it is the occurring which is difficult. --
Stephen Leacock
3/31/07
Hi Janine,
Nice response to the prompt. I assume that D called her mom on an impulse.
Here's a teensy suggestion: consider dropping 'that same night' in the sentence that mentions midnight.
Regards, Mike
4/2/07
Nice take on the prompt, Janine! I love these stories of intuition between
people who are very close. One comment.
Harriett
Darlene’s mom finally called her daughter after midnight that same
night.***You could delete "that same night".***
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 04/02/07