Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
SUCCESS
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: TUESDAY, JUNE 3, 2008
If you ae among the very organized then this prompt will be an
impossibilithy.
But, if you are like he est of us...it is, or could be, a reality.
Regardless...it is what I came up with
this morning, and you have to write to it. He, he. (that's supposed
to be a snide laugh.)
I'll bet you can mine this one for a really good flash. Try it and see.
SIFTING THROUGH A 36 INCH HIGH STACK OF PAPERS, FILES, BOOKS, NOTES,
HE/SHE FOUND AN OFFICIAL LOOKING UNOPENED LETTER, POSTMARKED 6
MONTHS EARLIER
Usual rules. 1000 words. In he subject line of the E mail please,
you name, the word
letter and the story title.
Now go into your work room and look through all those stacks of stuff
you got, who knows
the letter could hold an important check. With my luck, it would be
stale, though
Have fun
Irv
06/03/2008 Janine's Letter "Success" 322 words
Sifting through a 36-inch high stack of papers, files, books, notes, she found an official looking unopened letter, postmarked six months earlier.
"I don't remember getting this." Sally said to no one.
Sally opened the letter from her correspondence school. She was shocked to find a letter congratulating her on her third place prize for her middle grade mystery story. There was a check for $250 that came with the letter and the certificate.
"I won? But that was the first mystery I ever wrote and I just wanted to say I had entered a writing contest. I didn't expect to win." Sally continued to talk to the empty room.
She sifted through the pile some more to find the newsletter from the school. There it was. Her name was listed as the third place winner. There was even a brief description of her story. She printed off a fresh copy of the winning story and took it to the copy store. She made copies for her family and the guy who wanted to critique her work, when she only wanted to share it with him. She felt it was important for him to know she could succeed without his input. She could do it on her own, with her own talent.
Sally found Alan and gave him a copy of her award letter, certificate, article in the newsletter and the original story. He looked like he wanted to give her a hug. It's too bad he never followed through with his interest in her as more than a coworker. She gave him every opportunity. She even had him as the only person she showed her writing to. He never got the idea. Some men never get the concept.
Years later, Sally had other successes in the writing world. They are there for Alan to see if he chooses. Maybe one day he will do what he should have done years earlier.
06/03/08
Hi Janine,
Love the idea of finding a surprise win and check in a pile of unopened mail. I am going to look through my stack right now.
A few comments below. Thanks for sharing!
Catherine
SUCCESS by Janine Bouyssounouse 322 words
Sifting through a 36-inch high stack of papers, files, books, notes, she found an official looking unopened letter, postmarked six months earlier.
"I don't remember getting this." @@@ replace period with comma in quote @@@ Sally said to no one.
Sally opened the letter from her correspondence school. She was shocked to find a letter congratulating her on her third place prize for her middle grade mystery story. @@@ You could shorten this to something likely "When Sally opened the envelope from her correspondence school, she was shocked ... @@@There was a check for $250 that came with the letter and the certificate.
"I won? But that was the first mystery I ever wrote and I just wanted to say I had entered a writing contest. I didn't expect to win." Sally continued to talk to the empty room. @@@ I like this!@@@
She sifted through the pile some more to find the newsletter from the school. There it was. Her name was listed as the third place winner. There was even a brief description of her story. She printed off a fresh copy of the winning story and took it to the copy store. She made copies for her family and the guy who wanted to critique her work, when she only wanted to share it with him. She felt it was important for him to know she could succeed without his input. She could do it on her own, with her own talent. @@@ I am confused about 'the guy'. Is this Alan or someone else?@@@
Sally found Alan and gave him a copy of her award letter, certificate, article in the newsletter and the original story. He looked like he wanted to give her a hug. It's too bad he never followed through with his interest in her as more than a coworker. She gave him every opportunity. She even had him as the only person she showed her writing to. @@@ This sentance is confusing as written. Maybe something like "He was the only person she showed her writing to." He never got the idea. Some men never get the concept.
Years later, Sally had other successes in the writing world. They are there for Alan to see if he chooses. Maybe one day he will do what he should have done years earlier.. @@@ Not sure I completely get the connection between her writing and crush on Alan. Is she trying to use her writing as a way to impress him? I would love to see her realize that he should like her for who she is whether or not she has a successful writing career ; ) @@@
06/03/08
Hi Janine. A story every writer could enjoy---especially those of us who have asked friends, neighbors, spouses, co-workers to read our magnificent manuscripts.
Nicely written, good response to the prompt.
However, I think if you make the drip her boyfriend, you could have created a bit more fireworks. I speak more about that in the critique.
Regards, Mike
Author of: “A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales.” eBook available at www.BooksForABuck.com and www.fictionwise.com Paperback available at www.amazon.com. All stories in this collection were previously published by magazines and anthologies in Australia, Canada, England, and US. Several won first prize in writing contests.
CRITIQUE
SUCCESS by Janine Bouyssounouse 322 words
Sifting through a 36-inch high stack of papers, files, books, notes, she found an official looking unopened letter, postmarked six months earlier.
"I don't remember getting this." Sally said to no one. @@@ For your consideration: if she merely ‘mumbled,’ you could cut ‘said to no one.’ Optional, but reads faster with 1 word replacing 4, plus the meaning isn’t lost by using 1 word. @@@
Sally @@@ Consider a pronoun here. We know her name. You just told us. I figure her name will appear a lot in this piece, so pronouns every now and then would work very nicely. @@@
opened the letter from her correspondence school. She was shocked to find a letter congratulating her on her third place prize for her middle grade mystery story. @@@ Unsure what a ‘middle grade’ mystery story. Do you mean ‘mediocre?... Middle grade sounds agent or publisher’s jargon. @@@
There was a check for $250 that came with the letter and the certificate. @@@ For your consideration: sentences that begin with ‘that’ are weakened. A quick rewrite will strengthen the sentence. Perhaps: inside the letter was a check for $250, plus a certificate. @@@
"I won? But that was the first mystery I ever wrote and I just wanted to say I had entered a writing contest. @@@ Cryptic. What does this mean: ‘I just wanted to say I had entered a writing contest?’ @@@
I didn't expect to win." Sally continued to talk to the empty room. @@@ Consider dropping ‘continued to talk to the empty room,’ because by using quote marks, you are already letting us know she’s continuing to talk. Try to avoid filler, which has no meaning, and tends to slow down the read a tad. Also, since nobody else has spoken, we know the room is empty without your telling us. By the way, she’s quite wooden about this. She’s not jumping for joy and screaming her head off with a "Ya-hoo!" or "Yee-haw!" @@@
She sifted through the pile some more to find the newsletter from the school. @@@ Consider dropping ‘some more.’ Also, could use word economy by changing ‘from the school’ to school’s newsletter.... Or, instead of all this rigamorle, just tell us she grabbed the newsletter, and saw her name listed in the winner’s column. Then you can drop the next sentence which is limp. Plus this would take care of the sentence that follows ‘There it was.’ @@@
There it was. @@@ Once again starting a sentence with there, which makes the sentence a bit limp. You can even avoid telling us it was there, by going to the next sentence, and having her smile.
Her name was listed as the third place winner. There was even a brief description of her story. @@@ 3rd time a sentence starts with ‘there.’ See my other comments about this. @@@
She printed off a fresh copy of the winning story and took it to the copy store. @@@ Instead of telling us blow by blow how she did this, perhaps it’s enough to say: She took her manuscript to Kinko, and made enough copies for her family, and for the jerk who slammed her story. That way you can streamling the next sentence. @@@
She made copies for her family and the guy who wanted to critique her work, when she only wanted to share it with him. She felt it was important for him to know @@@ For the rest of we writers who get dumb reactions from those around us, it’d be nice if you made this more dramatic. Instead of: ‘she felt it was important for him to know’ why not, she wanted to jam it in his face and tell him off. Or some such thing that would make all readers cheer. @@@
she could succeed without his input. @@@ This phrase is limp. By the way, why not just say she wanted to throw it into her stupid boyfriend’s face. @@@
She could do it on her own, with her own talent. @@@ Seems unnecessary. If you just say she wanted to hit him over the head with it, or throw it in his face, or something dramatic, this sentence would be understood by that kind of action. @@@
Sally found Alan and gave him a copy of her award letter, certificate, article in the newsletter and the original story. @@@ If she finds him at the bar, and slams it into his face, this could have one hell of a more dramatic ending, if after she storms out, he reads this thing.@@@
He looked like he wanted to give her a hug. It's too bad he never followed through with his interest in her as more than a coworker. @@@ If you make him her boyfriend, you can make this far more interesting. @@@
She gave him every opportunity. She even had him as the only person she showed her writing to. He never got the idea. Some men never get the concept. @@@ This drones on too much. We got the idea very quickly that he gave her info that was maybe jealous, or just plain dumb. On the other hand, he might have been right in his estimation, but some dumb editor awarded her 1st place. Hell, I’ve seen contests in which dumb writing won big prizes. One in particular burns in my brain. @@@
Years later, Sally had other successes in the writing world. @@@ Anticlimactic. @@@
They are there for Alan to see if he chooses. Maybe one day he will do what he should have done years earlier. @@@ Flat ending. Makes it sound almost like: and she lived happily after, but e he didn’t...nahhh-nahhh-nahhh. @@@
End`
06/03/08
Cute story... What a wonderful thing to find in a
pile of things. ...Rita
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 06/04/08