Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE DAREDEVIL
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, JAN. 18, 2008
Can everyday things, everyday ideas inspire decent fiction?
I think so, so I've chosen a sort of every day phrase for our
prompt today. How often have we been admonished to be
careful, and how often have you shrugged off the advice,
figuring it was just an ordinary comment. Now it is a prompt..
see what you can do with it. I hope something.
LISTEN, YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, AND WATCH YOUR STEP
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please the word
Listen, your name and the story title.
Be careful how you handle this one. It could be the inspiration
for almost anything. So get inspired and start writing.
Have fun
Irv
Janine's Listen "The Daredevil" 133 words
"Listen, you better be careful, and watch your step." Said the voice in Sherman's head (VISH).
"Why be careful when life is more fun being a daredevil?" Sherman said out loud to no one (SOLTNO).
"I warned you, didn't I?" VISH
"So what? If I did everything you wanted, life would be boring." SOLTNO
"But what are you going to do now?" VISH
"Enjoy the moment. What else?" SOLTNO
"How are you enjoying the moment?" VISH
"The view is gorgeous on this freefall of all freefalls from the top of the Empire State Building. Look, even the street looks pretty with all the car lights and neon signs flashing by." SOLTNO
The VISH God paused as he watched the jumper splat on the ground.
"I guess he was an optimist after all." VISH
Hi Janine,
Cute little tale with good dialog.
Since it's so short, it's easy to know who's speaking. Consequently, I foung the VISH and SOLTNO tags distracting and unnecessary.
Regards,
Mike Kechula
1/21/08
Hi Janine,
This would've been a lot more interesting if you didn't have VISH and SOLTNO (what do they mean?) at the end of every sentence. If you did want to identify the voices, one option would be to do this :
VISH:
SOLTNO:
Though I still don't know what SOLTNO stands for. Is it a man's name?
I like that you have him talking to what I think is himself.. bu then you say 'Vish god'... that's a bit confusing
I would insert the falling off the Empire state somewhere in between to give the reader some frame.. to know where this conversation is happening.
Also, the story has potential of being longer. It sounds exciting.. the visuals of him being up there.. maybe thinking about life? friends? loves?... or just wondering what the man on the corner of some street is doing....
thanks for posting.
Joan.
1/22/08
Nice tale - good dialogue but tags were distracting.
Gloria
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 01/22/08