Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE FOUR MARTINI LUNCH
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, JAN. 25, 2008
Any one who has been in a selling situation, selling to business
and industry, has had the experience of having too much to drink
at lunch. So, thinking about that, I thought it might make a good
subject for a story. So, here is your prompt:
A FOUR MARTINI LUNCH
If you have no clue as to what that is, why, try it yourself.
Vodka is better than gin in this situation, I think. You get to
pass out faster.
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please
your name, the word Martini and the story title.
Have fun.
Chug a lug it down now, and start writing.
Irv
Janine's Martini "The Four Martini Lunch" 260 words
"Aren't you going to have one?"
"No, I don't drink."
"Well, I don't drink alone. If you plan on selling me something, then you must have a martini. I insist."
"Alright, if you insist."
"Two martinis, please. We'll have the steak to go with those martinis. Four is my limit, so cut me off when you've served all four."
The martini sat there on the table. I stared at it and lost all concentration on my sales pitch. I knew I needed this sale and I knew he was a drinker. I thought I could do it. I thought I could get out of ordering a drink, but he insisted.
It's calling to me. It's only a bend of an arm away from my lips. The memory of good times came to mind. The memory of the women, the laughs, the simple way of talking to people that came with the courage of the bottle. What would it hurt? How bad could one drink be?
Memories from the last time I used that reasoning came rushing back and the time behind bars was more than I wanted to revisit.
"I'm sorry, sir. I just remembered an urgent engagement I must attend to. If this makes you decide against my products for your company, then I will have to live with that. Please have this lunch on me."
I dropped a hundred dollar bill on the table and left. No matter what, I wasn't going to be able to keep the job. At least this way I can find another one.
1/28/08
Hi Janine.
Good, engrossing tale. Crisp. To the point. A twist that I didn't expect.
My only nit is that I wish you'd have identified the speakers. Might have even given this more impact. For example if the client was from the Pentagon, think of how much more kick this could have with that bit of identify.
I made some nitty comments. All in all, entertaining and interesting read. See my comment about 'behind bars,' because it has more than one implication, which you may have done unconsciously. No matter how this came about, it makes for something quite interesting, if you even want to expand this tale.
Regards, Mike
THE FOUR MARTINI LUNCH by Janine Bouyssounouse 260 words
"Aren't you going to have one?"
"No, I don't drink."
"Well, I don't dink alone. If you plan on selling me something, then you must have a martini. I insist."
"Alright, if you insist." @@@ Good dialog. Crisp and to the point. However, I feel a bit disoriented without tags identifying the speakers. A single name for each person would do. @@@
"Two martinis, please. We'll have the steak to go with those martinis. Four is my limit, so cut me off when you've served all four."
The martini sat there on the table. @@@ Consider dropping ‘there’ to tighten. @@@
I stared at it and lost all concentration on my sales pitch. I knew I needed this sale and I knew he was a drinker. I thought I could do it. I thought I could get out of ordering a drink, but he insisted.
It's calling to me. It's only a bend of an arm away from my lips. @@@ Good introspection. @@
The memory of good times came to mind. The memory of the women, the laughs, the simple way of talking to people that came with the courage of the bottle. What would it hurt? How bad could one drink be? @@@ Neat. Creates tension. Tells plenty about this character with great word economy. Nice. @@@
Memories from the last time I used that reasoning came rushing back and the time behind bars was more than I wanted to revisit. @@@ Intriguing. I wanna know why the protag spent time behind bars. Unless ‘behind bars’ means he was once a bar tender. Interesting how you put this, because it opens up even more neat possibilities. @@@
"I'm sorry, sir. I just remembered an urgent engagement I must attend to. If this makes you decide against my products for your company, then I will have to live with that. Please have this lunch on me." @@@ Good twist and turn about. Completely unexpected. @@@
I dropped a hundred dollar bill on the table and left. No matter what, I wasn't going to be able to keep the job. At least this way I can find another one. @@@ Nice ending. @@@
2/3/08
Janine,
Good hook with the dialog of temptation. Believable dialog and well written introspect to develop your conflict. The resolution was a bit of a surprise, but a nice one. I had a feeling he would succumb, largely based on your well written descriptions regarding the strength of the lure of the booze. I've made some comments/suggestions, see embedded. A nice story, told in few words. Well done,
Sharon
"Aren't you going to have one?"
"No, I don't drink."
"Well, I don't dink alone. If you plan on selling me something, then you must have a martini. I insist."
"Alright, if you insist."
"Two martinis, please. We'll have the steak to go
***The word 'go' headed me in the direction of a 'take-out' order, which sent my mind to thinking it was a man and woman and that the man had ulterior motives in having her drink. Probably just me, but perhaps to keep the focus on the drinks, try '... have the steak to enjoy with ...'
with those martinis. Four is my limit, so cut me off when you've served all four."
*** Four steaks or drinks? Perhaps, 'And, by the way, I keep to a four drink limit, so ...'
The martini sat there on the table. I stared at it and lost all concentration on my sales pitch. I knew I needed this sale and I knew he was a drinker. I thought I could do it. I thought I could get out of ordering a drink, but he insisted.
It's calling to me. It's only a bend of an arm away from my lips. The memory of good times came to mind. The memory of the women, the laughs, the simple way of talking to people that came with the courage of the bottle. What would it hurt? How bad could one drink be?
*** Good description of torment, like a siren's call. Well done. ***
Memories from the last time I used that reasoning came rushing back and the time behind bars was more than I wanted to revisit.
"I'm sorry, sir. I just remembered an urgent engagement I must attend to. If this makes you decide against my products for your company, then I will have to live with that. Please have this lunch on me."
I dropped a hundred dollar bill on the table and left. No matter what, I wasn't going to be able to keep the job. At least this way I can find another one.
*** If he thinks he's going to lose his job due to the loss of the sale, I think a $20 bill would work better than a $100. He actually had nothing to eat or drink and he wisely chose 'life' or job. ***
2/12/08
Janine,
Very good story. It reads true. (I'm an addictions
counselor) There's only one confusing part, when the
man orders the martinis and steak and says to stop at
four. I at first thought he was talking about 4
steaks. Other than that and a typo (dink instead of
drink) I have no nits.
Connie
An edited version of this story will appear in the March issue of
Long Story Short.
Rewrite:
Janine's Martini "The Four Martini Lunch" 273 words
"Aren't you going to have one?" said Mr. Gibbs
"No, I don't drink," said Marv.
"Well, I don't drink alone, Marv. If you plan on selling me something, then you must have a martini. I insist."
"Alright, if you insist."
"Two martinis, please. We'll have the steak to go with those martinis. Four martinis is my limit, so cut me off when you've served all four," said Mr. Gibbs.
The martini sat there on the table. I stared at it and lost all concentration on my sales pitch. I knew I needed this sale and I knew he was a drinker. I thought I could do it. I thought I could get out of ordering a drink, but he insisted.
It's calling to me. It's only a bend of an arm away from my lips. The memory of good times came to mind. The memory of the women, the laughs, the simple way of talking to people that came with the courage of the bottle. What would it hurt? How bad could one drink be?
Memories from the last time I used that reasoning came rushing back and the time locked up behind bars was more than I wanted to revisit.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Gibbs. I just remembered an urgent engagement I must attend to. If this makes you decide against my products for your company, then I will have to live with that. Please have this lunch on me."
I dropped a fifty dollar bill on the table and left. No matter what, I wasn't going to be able to keep the job. At least this way I can find another one.
01/05/09
Hi Janine,
Great news! Congratulations!!
Linda
01/05/09
Janine,
Congratulations!!!
-Rita
01/05/09
Congratulations, great news
-Scott
01/06/09
hey Janine,
That's a good way to begin a new year :)
Congratulations!!! and may many more Hooray's come your way.
Joan
01/06/09
Hola Janine,
Hiccup Hooray ... Here’s to your ‘Four Martini Lunch’ story acceptance
in the March issue of Long Story Short.
I made a note to check it out!
Good on you!
John
01/07/09
Hi Janine,
Congratulations for a job well done! Long Story Short is quite a magazine. It's quite a fether in your cap. I'm loooking forward to reading your story when it gets published. I remember that parricular prompt from quite a while ago.
Regards, Mike
Here is the edited version of this story that appeared in the March issue
Long Story Short - The Four Martini Lunch.
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 07/30/09