Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
SHOTGUN MARRIAGE
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: TUESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2009
As I watch the various things in the news, I
really certain that I should have been a professional
observer---most of them are funny/strange and certainly
worthy of comment. For instance, tickets to the Eagles
game this Sunday against NY Giants are being scalped for
as much as $5,000. That's strange and absurd. Why for
that much money a fellow can surround himself with a bevy
of courtesans, and then why worry about football. (I once had
a client who told me that he had a "friend" working the hotels
in Atlantic City and she got $1000 a night. Man, that lady
had to have some pretty good moves, I would guess.)
At any rate the strangeness goes on and on, and from the
sidelines one can have one hell of a good laugh. So we should
spend our days giggling. It is better than sobbing, I think so
I'm becoming a professional laugher. It pays about as well as this,
so I'm having a pretty good time with it. How about you?
Here's your prompt, maybe you can laugh around it, too...
THE WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE WAS MARRYING YOU!
Usual rules. In the subject line, please, your name, the word
Mistake and the story title. Word count, no more than 1000.
If you ignore the inherent challenge in this prompt, now that would
be a real mistake.
Have fun.
Irv
01/06/09 Janine's Mistake "Shotgun Marriage" 83 words
"The worst mistake I ever made was marrying you, Frank."
"But Betty, it was a shotgun wedding. We didn't have a choice."
"I had a choice."
"That wasn't a choice. Our son is a wonderful boy."
"That's not the choice I meant."
Betty hauled out her daddy's shotgun and pointed it at Frank. "I should have let Daddy shoot you."
Frank hit the floor and Betty's daddy came in to take care of the body. "That's my girl, Betty. I raised you right."
01/06/09
Hola Janine,
Bulls Eye!
John
01/06/09
Hi Janine,
Clear and Concise. It gave me a giggle. You're right I do like your stuff. -Rita
01/07/09
Janine,
Good angle on this one. The only comment I would make is that I wish the father's line at the end was a little more "wry" or a "darker". I don't know which.
Thanks,
Byron
01/08/09
Hi Janine,
See my comments.
Regards, Mike
CRITIQUE
"The worst mistake I ever made was marrying you, Frank."
"But Betty, it was a shotgun wedding. We didn't have a choice." @@@ This sounds artificial, because Betty obviously knows the conditions under which they were married. The way around this is to tell us this information in a different way. @@@
"I had a choice."
"That wasn't a choice. Our son is a wonderful boy." @@@ I don’t get the connection between these two sentences. @@@
"That's not the choice I meant."
Betty hauled out her daddy's shotgun and pointed it at Frank. "I should have let Daddy shoot you." @@@ This would be a great opening sentence. Only thing is to consider dropping ‘halued out.’ It’s enough to know she pointed the shotgun. We’ll assume she grabbed it, if it’s already in her hands and she’s pointing it.
Frank hit the floor and Betty's daddy came in to take care of the body. "That's my girl, Betty. I raised you right." @@@ This doesn’t add up. Why not have daddy shoot the guy, which is typical of what dad’s do over such things. Also, I’m unsure why she killed him. This story needs work. @@@
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Last updated 01/08/09