Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SUNDAY, MARCH 9, 2OO8
Okay, okay, it is late for me this morning. But the damn timechange
has me
all fashimit. I'm adjusting toit but slowly, and so you have to
forgive me for
being a laggard. And you may not track into the prompt either, it
is a very old joke, that came to me when I was thinking about today's
prompt. I figured, what the hell, it might make a good story
especially for those of you out there who have a trace of lechery.
Don't we all?
It is, I think part of the creativity that makes us writers. We don't
have to
give in to it, but it drives us, I think. At any rate, here is the
prompt,
and you are stuck with it for today...have fun...let your mind run away
'with you. I generally do...
IT WAS APPROACHING MIDNIGHT, AND THE LOTHARIO LOOKED
AT HIS LOVELY DATE:
"LISTEN," HE ASKED, "WILL YOU HAVE BREAKFAST WITH ME TOMORROW?"
"I''D LOVE TO."
"GREAT, SHALL I PHONE YOU OR NUDGE YOU?"
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, your name, the word
Nudge and the story title.
Drop those inhibitions. Let your libido reach out to the keys...and
write
something that will turn us all on.
Have fun.
Irv
03/09/08 Janine's Nudge "Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink" 136 words
It was approaching midnight and the lothario looked at his lovely date: "Listen," he asked, "will you have breakfast with me tomorrow?"
"I'd love to."
"Great, shall I phone you or nudge you?" he said.
It was their favorite joke together. He actually used the line on her on their first date. She figured it couldn't all be bad if he could make her laugh.
I think it was written in Cosmo some years back that men found a woman's laughter an aphrodisiac. Maybe it was that way for women as well.
It's been twenty five years and the couple is still laughing together. Can you measure their life in laughter?
The fact that the couple are actually Martians who take pleasure in torturing the little human beings with their jokes doesn't actually matter, does it?
03/09/08
Hi Jannine,
Odd piece. Difficult to classify. Starts out as a story, then the POV switch makes it sound like a nonfiction article, then it becomes else that I can't put a label on.
Your writing is always clear. Your dialog is always good. But this piece meandered.
Regards, Mike
03/09/08
Hi Janine,
This is a difficult piece for me to crit. Comments below.
NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK ##I like the title. I know it's from a UK
comedy series, but can't remember if it was Monty Python or something
else.##
It was approaching midnight and the lothario ##Lothario## looked at his
lovely date: "Listen," he asked, "will you have breakfast with me tomorrow?"
"I'd love to."
"Great, shall I phone you or nudge you?" he said.
It was their favorite joke together. He actually used the line on her on
their first date. She figured it couldn't all be bad if he could make
her laugh.
I think it was written in Cosmo some years back that men found a woman's
laughter an aphrodisiac. Maybe it was that way for women as well. ##You
changed the pov or direction of this piece here. Up to now, it's been a
story, now it has authorial intrusion.
It's been twenty five years and the couple is still laughing together.
Can you measure their life in laughter? ##You've moved from 'was' to
'it's'. If she was his date, I wouldn't call her that after so many
years together (as you do in the beginning sentence). Maybe call her his
lover, sweetheart or beloved.##
The fact that the couple are actually Martians who take pleasure in
torturing the little human beings with their jokes doesn't actually
matter, does it? ##I re-read this several times, but I don't get it at
all. How does this privately shared 'joke' affect humans, let alone
torture them. Why are the human beings described as 'little'? I'm sorry,
Janine. I have no intention of being harsh with this critique. I just
don't understand what this is about and can't read it as a story.
Perhaps I'm being dense, though. I'll look to see what others have to
say and then perhaps slap my head and say, "DUH!"
Best wishes,
Jonette
03/10/08
Hiya,
There I was just reading along and feeling warm and fuzzy. Why, this would be a flash fiction piece I'd want my kids to read, sort of like Little House On The Prarie. Then you just had to go space alien on me, didn't you? See what reading too many of Mike's pieces has done to you?
:-) R.R.
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 03/10/08