Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
PROTECTION? WHERE DO I BEGIN?
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2008
I haven't been malingering, I have just been a little late in getting
these prompts out. I shall try to do better, but sometimes other things
come onto my plate, and they delay me. At any rate, it is still
early morning, just after 9 AM and I guess that that's okay.
Try this one, and see how it goes for you....
I'M SORRY OFFICER. YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE,
HE'S IN AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your
name the word officer and the story title. Any problems,
if you are having a conference, we'll be happy to wait, for at least
30 seconds. Get to it. Have fun.
Irv
Janine's Officer "Protection? Where Do I Begin?" 109 words
"I'm sorry officer, you can't go in there. He's in an important conference."
Officer Montgomery sat outside the room. He knew he had an important job and he had no idea how to do it.
His job was to protect the man who the President wanted as an advisor.
How was he supposed to protect a famous public figure all by himself?
"Follow me officer. I'll show you where he is resting."
"Come in. Come in. I want to meet the person responsible for my safety."
Officer Montgomery stepped forward and shook the tentacle offered to him.
And so began his life as protector of the alien called Zork.
2/9/08
Hi Janine,
Neat response to the prompt. Something to consider: reduce this to 100 words or less, and offer it to Flash Shot Magazine for publication. If I may offer a suggest on how to reduce this:
1. Drop the first two paragraphs.
2. Start the story with: His job was to.... (except insert Officer Montgomery in place of he.
3. In the sentence that asks the question, don't make it a question. Instead try something along these lines: He wondered how he was supposed to protect a famous public figure all by himself.
4. In the next sentence, attribute the first line of dialog to somebody.
5. When the alien speaks, and we don't yet know he is alien, attribute the dialog to the advisor. This way readers will know in both cases who is speaking.
Regards, Mike
2/9/08
Janine,
I agree with Mike - you could tighten this up a bit. The officer should not be able to understand the alien's words.
Norma
2/10/08
Janine,
I wonder. How different is it to protect a human than
to protect an alien? This would be a fun story if you
made it into a full short story and tell us about his
troubles, etc. If you ever do decide to do that, I
would love to read what you come up with.
Connie
2/10/08
Hi Janine,
This was interesting. Especially since I didn't expect a tentacled alien.
But this seems not like a whole story by itself. Almost an introductory para to a longer one. That I can see turning into something exciting.
I like how you used just dialogue, and thoughts to set the scene.
I would really love to see this develop into a larger story. You should try taking a shot at it. I see fun possibilities.
All the best,
Joan
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 02/10/08