Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE RIGHT WOMAN
[FlashXer] KEXERCISE: FRIDAY, MAY 9, 2008
Once again, I apologize for he lateness of this prompt.
Most of the time I am able to get to the computer early in the day, and
send o ut my inspirational prompts. (Okay so they aren't
inspirational, I can
dream can't I?) But today, unfortunately, things happened so I have been
unable to get to the desk until much later. Please for give.
Here's todays prompt. It should work out okay. Hopefully
OKAY, I WROTE IT IN, I'LL SEE YOU ON FRIDAY
Usual rues. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your name, the
word
Okay and the story title.
Have a good time with this, and if you have an opportunity, I'll meet
you
on Friday, as one flee on Robinson Caruso said to the other.
Enjoy
Irv.
05/11/08 Janine's Okay "The Right Woman" 367 Words
"Okay, I wrote it in. I'll see you on Friday." Marv couldn't believe he had finally agreed to meet with her.
She wanted more than a work relationship and he knew it. He wasn't sure it was such a good idea. But waiting for the right woman was not getting him anywhere.
He agreed to meet her at a casual restaurant they both knew. She was on time and he was ten minutes late.
"Hi. I'm so glad you decided to show up. I wasn't sure you would after not accepting so many of my offers." Diana sat with a big smile as he slid into the booth.
"Have you ordered?" Marv took in the changed look of the after hours Diana. He was starting to change his mind about this being a bad idea.
"Nope. I was waiting for you. I didn't want to order for you and have you no like it." Diane winked at him as she finished.
Her hand slipped over to his thigh and she leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "The choice is all yours. This can be dinner or anything you desire."
Marv took a deep breath at that statement. It's not often a guy hears that. He leaned over to her. "Do you want the home court advantage or do you want to know for sure I'm single?"
She kissed Marv's cheek. "The choice is still yours."
Marv ended up following Diane back to her place. By the next morning, he was wondering why he waited so long to go out with her. He asked, "What about a workplace romance? Won't that get messy?"
"Oh, I've been working on another job and plan to turn in my resignation on Monday. There won't be a problem."
She was too good to be true. He wondered what he was missing. "So what is your new job?"
"Oh, I've decided to become a porn star. Is that a problem?"
On the drive home, Marv decided the gossip from her new job was far worse than the gossip from dating a coworker. He let the porn star go her way and he went back to looking for just the right woman.
05/11/08
Hi Janine,
Clearly written. Good dialog. A fast read.
Ordinary little romance tale in which Marv accepts a date with an aggressive woman who turns out to be a potential porn star. Poor Marv has very low libido. After just one night with this porn-star-to-be and he gives up. Sure doesn’t sound like any guy I ever knew. Heh-heh.
I notice a consistent reluctance to put tags with dialog to indicate very clearly who said what. I’ve seen this only one other time in somebody’s writing, on another site. For me, it tends to very slightly toss me out of the story, because I have to read another sentence to find out who is speaking. This gives me a sense that the writer doesn’t wish to make the story as clear as possible. Or maybe it's considered a classy literary device. But it doesn’t work for me. If anything, flash should be made a clear as possible, because we are telling stories for the consumption of others, not just for ourselves. Just an observation.
I made some comments in your manuscript.
Regards, Mike
THE RIGHT WOMAN by Janine Bouyssounouse 367 words
"Okay, I wrote it in. I'll see you on Friday." Marv couldn't believe he had finally agreed to meet with her. @@@ His words don’t reflect his feelings. His words sound quite wooden. @@@
She wanted more than a work relationship and he knew it. @@@ A round-about way of saying: he knew she wanted more than a work relationship. Something else occurs to me. I would have enjoyed reading what she said when she seemed to be making the aggressive moves in this relationship. That would have given this piece a big shot in the arm, and perhaps added more drama. And we would have gotten a stronger and immediate fix on her personality quirks. I reviewed this piece as a published writer of light and dark romances. All my romance works have been published so far, includingone I sold for $300. So, I’m looking for more story when I delve into a romance piece, even if it is flash. One of my dark romance pieces is published this month in Crimson Highway Magazine. It’s called Dirty Rotten Lies. If you take a look at that 995-word tale, you’ll see what I mean about including more story and more kick in romance writing. @@@
He wasn't sure it was such a good idea. But waiting for the right woman was not getting him anywhere. @@@ I wonder how he knows in advance she ain’t the right woman. I wonder what his benchmarks are. @@@
He agreed to meet her at a casual restaurant they both knew. She was on time and he was ten minutes late.
"Hi. I'm so glad you decided to show up. I wasn't sure you would after not accepting so many of my offers." Diana sat with a big smile as he slid into the booth.
"Have you ordered?" Marv took in the changed look of the after hours Diana. He was starting to change his mind about this being a bad idea.
"Nope. I was waiting for you. I didn't want to order for you and have you no like it." Diane winked at him as she finished. @@@ Consider dropping ‘as she finished.’ @@@
Her hand slipped over to his thigh and she leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "The choice is all yours. This can be dinner or anything you desire."
Marv took a deep breath at that statement. @@@ To tighten a bit, consider dropping ‘at that statement.’@@@
It's not often a guy hears that. He leaned over to her. @@@ Lots of leaning going on. Why should he have to lean over to her, when she’d already leaned toward him? @@@
"Do you want the home court advantage or do you want to know for sure I'm single?" @@@ Unclear. What’s the ‘home court advantage?’ Sounds like slang or something idiomatic. @@@
She kissed Marv's cheek. "The choice is still yours." @@@ Consider using a pronoun at this point. We know it’s Marv. @@@
Marv ended up following Diane back to her place. @@@ Long about way of saying: they went to her place. @@@
By the next morning, he was wondering @@@ Consider changing ‘was wondering’ to ‘wondered.’ @@@
why he waited so long to go out with her. @@@ He made this very clear at the beginning of the story. He’s a wimp who doesn’t know his own mind. That’s OK, if that’s how you want him to appear. But I find it hard to sympathize with him. @@@
He asked, "What about a workplace romance? Won't that get messy?" @@@ I wonder why he’s asking such a question? He sounds wimpy. And why is he limiting himself to something that has a title: workplace romance? @@@
"Oh, I've been working on another job and plan to turn in my resignation on Monday. There won't be a problem."
She was too good to be true. He wondered what he was missing. @@@ I don’t get this sentence. He just found out what he was missing by sleeping over. @@@
"So what is your new job?"
"Oh, I've decided to become a porn star. Is that a problem?"
On the drive home, Marv decided the gossip from her new job was far worse than the gossip from dating a coworker. @@@ Not clear. @@@
He let the porn star go her way @@@ From what you said earlier, she’s not a porn star yet. She’s a wannabe. @@@
and he went back to looking for just the right woman. @@@ We still don’t know what ‘the right woman’ is to him. All we know is a bit about what he considers the wrong woman. Maybe to him, Miss Right is a Stepford Wife who does nothing but churn out endless streams of chocolate chip cookies while looking like she just stepped out of a magazine cover. @@@
End
05/11/08
Hi Janine,
Funny story. Only one typo...
"Nope. I was waiting for you. I didn't want to order
for you and have you @@@no@@@ like it." Diane winked
at
him as she finished.
I think you meant not. No critique. It seemed odd
reading a chick lit story from the guys perspective,
but I liked it. -Rita
05/12/08
Janine,
I'm getting the impression that Marv is a bit of an idiot. He obviously enjoys his evening with Diana, but then he leaves her because he's afraid of gossip. Unless he's married or already in a relationship, I'm wondering why he's so concerned with what other people will say. Having a sexy porn star for a girlfriend is practically a status symbol these days. As a character study, you could expand on his personality and show us what really drives him to leave this future porn star. Your story is nicely written, but I think you could build on it a bit more.
Harriett
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 05/12/08