Flash Exercise Online Portfolio

TOUGH LOVE

[FlashXer] EXERCISE: TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2008

Some years ago I heard about Tough Love. I wasn't aware of what it was for some time, and I feel fortunate that it is not part of my life, or needed by my family and me. But it is there, and it is no doubt a subject that might make a good tale. So here you are. I hope you can work on this with dispassion.. from a writer's point of view. Certainly, I don't want to put anyone in a position where the subject is painful. So if you can, take a whack at this one. It might prove to be very interesting.

YES, INDEED, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
IF YOU CAN'T LIVE BY OUR RULES, YOU'LL HAVE TO LEAVE

Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please your name, the word problem and the story title. And, if you have a problem with this topic, you'll have to work it through.
Irv.


2/19/08 Janine's Problem "Tough Love" 136 words

"If you hate living here so much, then why don't you run away?"

"Because I'm not stupid. I don't have a place to go and I don't have any money to get there."

The conversation repeated itself between the mother and daughter whenever the mother got mad. The teenager was determined to stay put and graduate from high school. College was her way to run away.

Flash forward thirty years...

"The only place you'll ever feel safe is in a cell."

The stalking victim daughter forgot to ask if her mom meant a jail cell, a prison cell or a padded cell. The daughter packed her things, tossed them into her car and left with not much of an idea where she would go next.

Does "tough love" really play any part in this at all?



2/19/08
Hi Janine. Slice of life vignette that's clearly written. However, the dialog needs a tag here and there. Though it's short, I made comments for your consideration.

Regards, Mike

"If you hate living here so much, then why don't you run away?" @@@ Good, snappy opener. Grabbed my attention immediately. Consider telling us who is saying this. One name is good enough. @@@

"Because I'm not stupid. @@@ Don’t know how this answer responds to the question. The question wasn’t if the character was stupid or not. @@@ I don't have a place to go and I don't have any money to get there."

The conversation repeated itself between the mother and daughter whenever the mother got mad. The teenager was determined to stay put and graduate from high school. College was her way to run away.

Flash forward thirty years...

"The only place you'll ever feel safe is in a cell." @@@ Who’s saying this? @@@

The stalking victim daughter forgot to ask if her mom meant a jail cell, a prison cell or a padded cell. The daughter packed her things, tossed them into her car and left with not much of an idea where she would go next.

Does "tough love" really play any part in this at all? @@@ Flat ending I wonder why you are asking readers a question they can’t answer, because they don’t know these characters. Sounds as if you are then gonna say, "Tune in tomorrow and hear what happens on the award winning serial, 'Mom Hates Daughter.'" @@@


2/20/08
Hi Janine,
You started this well and then I lost you.
Maybe you would like to give the characters more 'face'?

Also,consider going on with the story so you get to a point of resolution. Seems to me you stopped yourself from going on. (I do that a lot myself.) But as famous writing guru Natalie Goldberg says (paraphrased) when you feel like stopping, go on, bcos there's definitely more inside you.

I hope you enjoy resolving this.

comments in text,
all the best,
Joan

sunshine99@Safe-mail.net wrote: TOUGH LOVE by Janine Bouyssounouse 136 words

"If you hate living here so much, then why don't you run away?"@@@nice hook@@

"Because I'm not stupid. I don't have a place to go and I don't have any money to get there."

The conversation repeated itself between the mother and daughter whenever the mother got mad. The@@ teenager@@ it would help if you put an age to her.. details show more@@ was determined to stay put and graduate from high school. College was her way to run away.

Flash forward thirty years...

"The only place you'll ever feel safe is in a cell."@@@who says this? why?@@

The @@stalking victim daughter@@ what does this mean? stalking is opposite of victim. So can one be both?@@@forgot to ask if her mom meant a jail cell, a prison cell or a padded cell. @@why are each different in the person's life?@@The daughter packed her things, tossed them into her car and left with not much of an idea where she would go next.

Does "tough love" really play any part in this at all?@@@who is asking this question? the narrator? why? what does tough love have to do with it? who gave who tough love? maybe you need to illustrate the tough love in the beginning with some situation, or some memory.


Hi Janine,

I like the idea of exploring dysfunctional family dynamics that get passed down through generations. To better understand the pathos involved, I'd need to know more about the characters, or it might work to keep character minimal but add a whole series of Flash forwards to illustrate your point.

Thanks,
Linda




website created by Janine Bouyssounouse. Last updated 02/22/08