Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
JUST ANOTHER ERRAND
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2008
Oh boy, do we have snow this morning. Lots of it. So bad that when I
got up early to go the gym, it already represented a hazard, so I
took of
my coat and went directlyb ack to bed. I didn't pass go, I didn't
collect 200
smackers, but I did collect a couple of hours of sleep. Always a joy
to do
that. My wife says that sleeping is one of the few things I do really
well, these
days. At any rate, snow and sleep add up to a somewhat delayed prompt.
Sorry about that. And the nature of today's epic is appropriate I
think, on two
levels . One it is snowing, hence the ski mask. Secondly, we haven't
many prompts that have to do with robbery, etc. And so here it is.
Have fun.
"JUST OPEN THE CASH REGISTER AND STAND BACK," HE SAID
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your name
the words ski mask and the story title.
If robbery and that sort of thing isn't your style, why write about
skiing or winter
or hidden faces. The list is endless.
Enjoy
Irv
2/23/08 Janine's Ski Mask "Just Another Errand" 116 words
The man with the ski mask hiding his face pointed the shot gun. "Just open the cash register and stand back," he said.
The clerk at the convenience store did as she was told. She opened the register, took a giant step backwards into the back counter behind her, knocking some of the packets of cigarettes out of their slots.
The man with the ski mask grabbed the bills from the tray. Then he tossed the tray on the floor and grabbed the large bills underneath.
He pulled off the ski mask when he jumped into his car.
Speeding down the highway, he wondered if the money would cover the next semester's fees for law school.
2/23/08
Nice one Janine. I like the twist at the end. I wonder if his lack of ethics will lead him to a career as a mob lawyer. The only nit I have is when she knocks the cigs out of the rack. It seems to me that stepping straight back into the rack wouldn't result in this. Just my opinion.
Krys
2/23/08
Hi Janine.
Nice twist to this one. By the way, the second time you said 'the man with the ski mask,' you could have just used two words to describe him: the crook.
Regards, Mike
2/24/08
Hi Janine,
really liked the twist. The irony is powerful.
made a few comments in text.
thanks for posting,
best
Joan
sunshine99@Safe-mail.net wrote: JUST ANOTHER ERRAND by Janine Bouyssounouse 116 words
The man with the ski mask @@hiding his face@@delete@ pointed the shot gun. "Just open the cash register and stand back," he said.
The clerk at the convenience store did as she was told. She opened the register, took a giant step backwards into the back counter behind her, knocking some of the packets of cigarettes out of their slots.@@ I like the cigarettes detail here, but 'did as she was told should go. Her actions later, repeat it@@
The man @with the ski mask @ d'you really need to say this again@@ grabbed the bills from the tray. @@Then he tossed the tray on the floor and grabbed the large bills underneath.@@ underneath? @@
He pulled off the ski mask when he jumped into his car.
Speeding down the highway, he wondered if the money would cover @the @@delete@@next semester's fees for law school.@@hoorah ending@@@
2/26/08
Hi Janine,
Nice little story with a tidy ending. I think you can
tighten up the middle if you take out the second
sentence in the second paragraph. The reader doesn't
really care what happens to the clerk.
Thanks for a fun read and a chuckle after a very long
day.
Connie
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 02/26/08