Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE VALENTINE'S DAY DINNERS
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SUNDAY, FEB. 17, 2008
Well, here we are again. Sunday and time for your
prompt. Although Valentine's Day was just a few days ago,
people are still celebrating, and some are responding to it
in different ways. Perhaps the prompt here was one of those
responses. Let your imagination loose, and see what you come up with.
It might prove to be fun.
THE FACIAL SLAP WAS LOUD. YOU COULD HEAR IT THROUGHOUT THE
WHOLE DAMN RESTAURANT.
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please your name,
the word Slap and the story title.
If your computer gives you a hard time, just slap it around a bit.
That's what I
do. Good thing is, it doesn't hit back.
Have fun.
Irv
Janine's Slap "The Valentine's Day Dinners" 144 words
The facial slap was loud. You could hear it throughout the whole damn restaurant.
Lolita dumped a full glass of ice water in Henry's lap and stormed out of the restaurant.
Henry sat in the wet and waived away the waiter.
He told Lolita it was more romantic to have Valentine's Day dinner on Saturday night, instead of Thursday.
She believed him and she was excited about a fancy night out on the town.
It was untimely to have a close family friend walk up to him while Lolita was walking back to the table from the restroom and start kidding around about being in the dog house to have to take his wife out for two Valentine's Day dinners.
The slap from Lolita was nothing compared to the divorce papers that would be coming his way when his wife learned about the second Valentine's Day dinner.
2/16/08
Hi Janine,
I read this twice, but still ain't clear on a few points.
See my comments which are offered for your consideration.
Regards, Mike
THE VALENTINE'S DAY DINNERS by Janine Bouyssounouse 144 words
The facial slap was loud. You could hear it throughout the whole damn restaurant.
Lolita dumped a full glass of ice water in Henry's lap and stormed out of the restaurant. @@@ This is a bit choppy. Perhaps you can find a way to tell us she slapped his face and dumped water in his lap in a more smooth way. @@@
Henry sat in the wet and waived away the waiter.
He told Lolita it was more romantic to have Valentine's Day dinner on Saturday night, instead of Thursday. @@@ Not sure what this means. What does Thursday have to do with anything? If Thursday was valentines day, make that clear. @@@
She believed him and she was excited about a fancy night out on the town. @@@ She sounds dumb. But that’s OK if it’s the way you wish to paint her character. @@@
It was untimely to have a close family friend walk up to him while Lolita was walking back to the table from the restroom and start kidding around about being in the dog house to have to take his wife out for two Valentine's Day dinners. @@@ 46-word sentence rarely work in flash. Too many idea expressed here. Consider breaking this into two or three sentence. I was thrown out of the story while I tried to decipher this. Also, starting sentences with ‘it’ tends to make them weaker than necessary. @@@
The slap from Lolita was nothing compared to the divorce papers that would be coming his way when his wife learned about the second Valentine's Day dinner. @@@ This is such a complex way of telling us he took two women out for valentines day. His wife and his girlfriend. Try to make this more clear so we can enjoy it more. @@@
2/18/08
Hello Janine,
This is an amusing story! I enjoyed it.
My comments follow, keeping in mind I am new to flash fiction:
I think a line of dialogue from Lolita just before she dumps the
water on Henry would give the story even more life and the act
greater impact. Also, I found myself wishing for a visual detail to
picture the restaurant setting.
Without the line of dialogue, I suggest combining the second and
third sentences into one paragraph.
I too wondered why Lolita would fall for " ... more romantic to have
dinner on Saturday night". Maybe a telling character trait could
illustrate her naivety?
I recommend combining sentences four and five.
I like sentence five in that it says something about the character of
Lolita.
Instead of a "close family friend" , perhaps an acquaintance or co-
worker?
In the closing sentence I suggest "come" vs. "be coming", a more
active statement.
I look forward to more of your stories.
Kind regards,
Pamela
2/26/08
Hi Janine,
Fun story. The only suggestion I would make is about
the verb tense in the 4th paragraph. I think it should
read "he had told Lolita" to make it evident that this
part of the story happened before the facial slap.
I enjoyed reading this valentine tale.
Connie
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 02/26/08