Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE BUTTON
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2008
Yesterday, the president elect talked about both
Main street and Elm street. And I guess those are
universal to most of America. Even the suburban
New York City town I grew up in had a Main street.
So I thought about that, and this is the result.
It should get your juices going. So, see what you
can do...and enjoy
WE AIN'T GONNA NEED NO CAR FOR THIS ONE, SPIKE.
JUST BRING THE BURGLARY TOOLS AND MEET ME UNDER
THE CLOCK AT MAIN AND ELM.
Usual rules. 1000 words. Please in the subject line, your name,
the word Spike and the story title. Maybe you can do a little
daytime B&E---in your mind at least. Try, at any rate...it should
be a challenge. And, if you get caught, next time just be more careful.
Have fun
Irv
12/3/08 Janine's Spike "The Button" 121 words
"We ain't gonna need no car for this one, Spike. Just bring the burglary tools and meet me under the clock at Main and Elm."
"But Puk, how we gonna get away?"
"Don't tell anyone."
"Oh, no. I won't tell anyone, Puk."
"I met up with these dudes who'll pick us up when we're done. I just have to press this red button when we're done."
"Okay Puk. Let's do it."
After Spike and Puk robbed the liquor store, Puk pressed the red button.
"Hey, Puk. Why didn't you know the button would bring the police?"
"Because, Spike. I didn't ever learn to read. I didn't know it said 'Press button to call the police in case of emergency.' Okay?"
12/04/08
A nice little tale about the value of learning to read, Janine! I made one
comment in your manuscript.
After the@@@DELETE "THE"@@@ Spike and Puk robbed the liquor store, Puk
pressed the red button.
12/04/08
Hi Janine,
Tale about dumb bumblers. See my comments about why I found this short tale a tedious read.
Regards, Mike
CRITIQUE
THE BUTTON by Janine Bouyssounouse 121 words
"We ain't gonna need no car for this one, Spike. Just bring the burglary toold and meet me under the clock at Main and Elm." @@@ They only need one tool to commit a burglary? @@@
"But Puk, how we gonna get away?" @@@ How is this guy's name pronounced? Is it like puke, or pook, or puck? Threw me out of the story when I pondered this. Not a good idea to include a name that readers ain't sure how to pronounce. Gauranteed to throw them out of the story, which is never a good thing.@@@
"Don't tell anyone." @@@ This doesn’t add up aa sensible answer to Spike’s question. It’s so off-the-wall it through me out of the story. for the second time. Consider dropping this sentence, and the one below since they don't do anything for the story. @@@
"Oh, no. I won't tell anyone, Puk."
"I met up with these dudes who'll pick us up when we're done. I just have to press this red button when we're done." @@@ What red button? Is this on some kind of electronic device? It would be nice to know, since at the end of the robbery, pushing this button summons cops. Shows how stupid Spike is. Which is OK, since you want him to come through as really dumb. @@@
"Okay Puk. Let's do it." @@@ Something to consider: notice how each time Spike talks to Puk, he includes his name. Since you are in charge of characters’ dialog, consider dropping the constant references to Puk. The reader knows who’s there with Spike. Also, Puk is not a name I’m sure how to pronounce. I paused to ponder, and when I did, I was thrown out of the story. Seeing P’s name repeated so often indicates that you didn’t edit this piece ruthlessly. @@@
After the Spike and Puk robbed the liquor store, Puk pressed the red button. @@@ Consider how you could have changed ‘Spike and Puk’ to the single word ‘they. By now we’ve seen their name a thousand times. We know their names, because you’ve repeated them soften. @@@
"Hey, Puk. Why didn't you know the button would bring the police?"
"Because, Spike. I didn't ever learn to read. I didn't know it said 'Press button to call the police in case of emergency.' Okay?" @@@ Even Puk has to address Spike by his name. Again, this piece has not been edited ruthlessly to avoid such things. @@@
12/04/08
A nice little tale about the value of learning to read, Janine! I made one
comment in your manuscript.
After the@@@DELETE "THE"@@@ Spike and Puk robbed the liquor store, Puk
pressed the red button.
12/04/08
Hi Janine,
Tale about dumb bumblers. See my comments about why I found this short tale a tedious read.
Regards, Mike
CRITIQUE
THE BUTTON by Janine Bouyssounouse 121 words
"We ain't gonna need no car for this one, Spike. Just bring the burglary toold and meet me under the clock at Main and Elm." @@@ They only need one tool to commit a burglary? @@@
"But Puk, how we gonna get away?" @@@ How is this guy's name pronounced? Is it like puke, or pook, or puck? Threw me out of the story when I pondered this. Not a good idea to include a name that readers ain't sure how to pronounce. Gauranteed to throw them out of the story, which is never a good thing.@@@
"Don't tell anyone." @@@ This doesn’t add up aa sensible answer to Spike’s question. It’s so off-the-wall it through me out of the story. for the second time. Consider dropping this sentence, and the one below since they don't do anything for the story. @@@
"Oh, no. I won't tell anyone, Puk."
"I met up with these dudes who'll pick us up when we're done. I just have to press this red button when we're done." @@@ What red button? Is this on some kind of electronic device? It would be nice to know, since at the end of the robbery, pushing this button summons cops. Shows how stupid Spike is. Which is OK, since you want him to come through as really dumb. @@@
"Okay Puk. Let's do it." @@@ Something to consider: notice how each time Spike talks to Puk, he includes his name. Since you are in charge of characters’ dialog, consider dropping the constant references to Puk. The reader knows who’s there with Spike. Also, Puk is not a name I’m sure how to pronounce. I paused to ponder, and when I did, I was thrown out of the story. Seeing P’s name repeated so often indicates that you didn’t edit this piece ruthlessly. @@@
After the Spike and Puk robbed the liquor store, Puk pressed the red button. @@@ Consider how you could have changed ‘Spike and Puk’ to the single word ‘they. By now we’ve seen their name a thousand times. We know their names, because you’ve repeated them soften. @@@
"Hey, Puk. Why didn't you know the button would bring the police?"
"Because, Spike. I didn't ever learn to read. I didn't know it said 'Press button to call the police in case of emergency.' Okay?" @@@ Even Puk has to address Spike by his name. Again, this piece has not been edited ruthlessly to avoid such things. @@@
12/05/08
Not quite sure I follow the ending. I had to re-read it several
times. It seems the joke rests in Puk's inability to read, but there
is too much of a disconnect in the action. Did the police come? What
was the cause for the comment about the police? Was this supposed to
be humorous?
Something about the language and the pace conjured the vision of Road
Runner not falling off a cliff because he never studied gravity.
--Eric
12/05/08 revision
"We ain't gonna need no car for this one, Spike. Just bring the burglary tools and meet me under the clock at Main and Elm."
"But Puck, how we gonna get away?"
"I met up with these dudes who'll pick us up when we're done. I just have to press this red button on this box when we're done. It sends a signal."
"Okay. Let's do it."
After Spike and Puck robbed the liquor store, Puck pressed the red button.
"Hey. Why didn't you know the button would bring the police?"
"Because, I didn't ever learn to read. I didn't know it said, 'Press button to call the police in case of emergency.' Okay?"
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 12/07/08