Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
JIM AND FRANK'S ADVENTURE
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: TUESDAY, MAY 13, 2008
Frankly, I don't know where the time goes. Who does?
But these days it seems to escape me and have a mind of
it's own. And what that means is that I have little time left
to smell the roses, see the cherry trees in bloom, or write
long morning introductions. So, getting down to business...
here's your prompt.
WE'RE STANDING RIGHT AT THE MAP COORDINATES,
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE WE SHOULD START TO DIG?
Those of you into mystery might find this an interesting prompt. As
to the
rest of you, do what you can. As you know, I leave no stone unturned in
my effort to come up with interesting challenges.
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line please, your name, the
word standing
and the story title.
With this prompt you can really shovel a pile of manure (see how
controlled I am?)
if that's what you have in mind.
Have fun
Irv
05/13/08 Janine's Standing "Jim And Frank's Adventure." 203 words
"We're standing right at the map coordinates. Are you sure this is where we should start to dig?" Frank asked Jim.
"We flew half way around the world. We hauled this equipment deep into the jungle. We did all this based on this treasure map. Maybe we should just drop everything and go home." Jim said sarcastically.
"Well, if you really think that would be best. I trust your judgment, Jim." Frank said.
Jim took Frank's shovel and began to dig. He decided getting rich with someone who was this faithful wasn't the worst thing in the world.
"Could you give me a hand, Frank? It will take both of us to haul out the chest of gold." said Jim.
Two days later, the two men used logs to roll the chest out of the jungle. "Hey Jim. Do you think we could take a boat home? I always wanted to take a boat ride." asked Frank.
"With these riches, we can go any way you want, Frank." said Jim.
"Okay. I want to get wings and fly. That is my secret wish I never thought I would tell anyone." Frank said.
Jim immediately regretted giving the job of decision making to Frank.
05/13/08
Hi Janine,
Made some comments for your consideration.
Regards, Mike
CRITIQUE
JIM AND FRANK'S ADVENTURE
"We're standing right at the map coordinates. Are you sure this is where we should start to dig?" Frank asked Jim.
"We flew half way around the world. We hauled this equipment deep into the jungle. We did all this based on this treasure map. Maybe we should just drop everything and go home." Jim said sarcastically. @@@ When you include dialog like this, it sounds like an info dump for the benefit of the reader. Consequently, it sounds contrived. The way around this is to give us this info in an introduction, instead of the so-so opening sentence you now how. For example: After flying half-way around the world and hauling tons of equipment deep into the jungle, Frank and Jim checked their position on the GPS system. Or some such thing. It’s not easy to take Irv’s words exactly and turn them into an exciting opener for a story. Also, I wonder why Jim suggests they should drop everything and go back home. @@@ @@@
"Well, if you really think that would be best. I trust your judgment, Jim." Frank said. @@@ Since Frank is the only other guy there, you could get away with dropping, ‘Frank said.’ @@@
Jim took Frank's shovel and began to dig. He decided getting rich with someone who was this faithful wasn't the worst thing in the world. @@@ Unsure what this has to do with getting there, and then deciding to go home. @@@
"Could you give me a hand, Frank? It will take both of us to haul out the chest of gold." said Jim. @@@ Something to consider: we already know Jim said this without your telling us. That’s because he’s the only other person there. By the way, seems every time sentence they utter, they feel compelled to include the other’s name. Makes for a tedious read after a while. @@@
Two days later, the two men @@@ Consider using 1 word to supplant these 3. You can do that by changing ‘the two men’ to ‘they.’ Makes the read a tad tighter. @@@
used logs to roll the chest out of the jungle. "Hey Jim. Do you think we could take a boat home? I always wanted to take a boat ride." asked Frank.
"With these riches, we can go any way you want, Frank." said Jim. @@@ Notice how you continue to repeat the names of the individuals being addressed in the dialog? @@@
"Okay. I want to get wings and fly. That is my secret wish I never thought I would tell anyone." Frank said.
Jim immediately regretted giving the job of decision making to Frank. @@@ Unclear. Don’t understand why he regretted Frank’s fantasy talk. @@@
05/14/08
Janine,
The main problem with your story is that you've only got two characters, yet they keep repeating each other's names every time they speak. It sounds contrived because real dialog isn't like this (we rarely say the name of the person we're speaking to). You don't have to worry about the reader getting confused because you only have two characters. I made a couple of comments below.
Harriett
"We flew half way around the world. We hauled this equipment deep into the jungle. We did all this based on this treasure map. Maybe we should just drop everything and go home." Jim said sarcastically.@@@This is an awkward paragraph. It sounds like info dump. I assume you're aiming for sarcastic humor here, but it doesn't quite make it. It would read better if you just said something like: After having flown halfway around the world...@@@
Jim immediately regretted giving the job of decision making to Frank.@@@I'm not sure I understand the ending@@@
05/14/08
Hi Janine,
This is well written. I agree with Mike that you can cut out many of the "Frank said, or Jim said".
Also, I am not sure I understand the ending.
Thanks for sharing!
Catherine
05/14/08
Hi Janine,
I thought you began this well.
I was looking forward to more especially with the interesting character you've given Frank.
The end seems like you wrapped it up just to finish it :) I wish you took this further. Maybe let Jim allow Frank his absurdities and make it surreal. (give him wings, let him fly, and take Jim with him all the way to New York. or the Mediterranean.
If not in a story then where :)
Thanks for sharing,
Joan
5/15/08
You've created a funny pair of characters! I wonder if you should add an incident while in the forest in which Frank saves Jim's life and Jim promises to do anything he wishes as a return? Dunno if it makes any difference, just feels like that might make me feel like Jim really does have to take Frank's crazy idea seriously in some way.
(snip)
Okay. I want to get wings and fly. That is my secret wish *** I think you can cut the rest of Frank's statement after wish*** I never thought I would tell anyone." Frank said.
Best of luck with this.
John
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Last updated 05/17/08