Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
IT HAPPENED AGAIN
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, MARCH 23, 2007
A STRONG FEELING OF RESENTMENT
I feel certain you can handle this one. And when you do, please
usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line of your Email, please
your name, the word Strong and the story title.
If you find yourself full of resentment, purge it folks.
It doesn't help very much, usually.
Have fun
Irv
3/23/07 - 140 Words - It Happened Again
It happened again.
Sally woke up feeling like she was violated.
She remembered telling Spencer she wasn't in the mood, finishing her drink and walking him to the door.
So how did it happen? How did it happen all of those other times?
She tried talking to him about it once and he laughed at her.
Should she go to the police? Would they believe her?
What happens if she tells Spencer she doesn't want to see him anymore?
Can she get tested for drugs to see if there is something he is giving her to knock her out so she doesn't remember what happened? Would the doctor think she was crazy?
Sally opened the newspaper to a random page and there it was.
The use of date rape drugs is on the rise. Symptoms... Contacts...
A feeling of shock...
3-24-07
Hi Janine, I think this is the first story of yours that I've read. Welcome to the group! Nicely written flash that draws your reader in and holds their attention. I've made few suggestions below, just to help tighten. Use or toss as you see fit. thanks for the read, Sandra
sunshine99@Safe-mail.net wrote: It happened again. XXX Could drop this sentence because the next one puts us right into the story. XXX
Sally woke up feeling like she was violated. XXX could drop "like she was" , "feeling violated" is less passive XXX
She remembered telling Spencer she wasn't in the mood, finishing her drink and walking him to the door.
So how did it happen? XXX Perhaps - So what happened? XXX How did it happen all of those other times?
She tried talking to him about it once and he laughed at her.
Should she go to the police? Would they believe her?
What happens if she tells Spencer she doesn't want to see him anymore?
Can she get tested for drugs to see if there is something he is giving her to knock her out so she doesn't remember what happened? Would the doctor think she was crazy?
Sally opened the newspaper to a random page and there it was.
The use of date rape drugs is on the rise. Symptoms... Contacts...
A feeling of shock... XXX I like the ending as she realizes what happened, but I so wanted her to pick up the phone and call the police. But that's just me, I like a little revenge in my stories :-)) XXX
3-24-07
Hiya,
This is pretty good. It grabs ya(no pun intended) and holds the reader's interest.
I really don't have naything smartass to say, just... kudos. I look forward to reading more of your work.
R.R.
3-24-07
Hi Janine. I think this is the first time I've ever seen your work. This piece is clearly written.
However, here are some things for your consideration.
- Consider throwing away the first sentence. The sentence didn't work for me, because I don't know immediately to what 'it' referred. I'm not partial to sentences that begin with 'it' unless they are idiomatic. If you toss this sentence, you can use the 2nd sentence to begin the story.
- As I said above, the 2nd sentence could work very well if you make it the first sentence of the story. Meanwhile, if you add word 'again' at the end of the second sentence, it tells us something has repeated. By the way, unless you explain how a woman wakes up feeling violated, we male readers won't have an inkling about what this means. What's it like to wake up and feel violated? Pains in the groin? Scratches on the skin that weren't there before?
- I'm not sure if the content of the 4th sentence is supposed to be internal dialog. Since it isn't marked as such, then you are asking readers a question they can't possibly answer. I don't think that's a good thing to do. As a reader, in my mind I was saying, "Why ask me? I wasn't there. Don't ask me questions about what goes on in your own story which I've never seen before."
- Same thing happens in the 5th sentence. Once again, I felt as if you were asking me, the reader, for advice. I think you should change sentences 4 and 5 to intenal dialog, which will require a bit of rewording.
- Once again in the 7th sentence, I was asked what would happen if she told S that she didn't want to see him anymore.
- You ask more questions of the reader beyond the 7th sentence. I kept wanting to say, "Tell me a story, don't keep asking me to provide advice to the protagonist."
- I feel no sympathy for this character, because she comes through as very dumb. It's as if she wants it to happen, because she keeps seeking the jerk. Consequently, she comes through as a foolish masochist.
- I don't know why she was shocked when she read the article in the paper. She seems to know what has happened each time with Spencer.
Regards, Mike Kechula
3-24-07
HI Michael...
It would be pretty graphic to describe what it feels to be raped while under the influence of a date rape drug. Some of these rapists even use pain killers so that they can completely get away with the crime. Some even take videos of the events and say the woman did it willingly. Some even sell them as porn and portray the woman to be a porn star.
There are a lot of people who don't understand what date rape drugs are like and how confusing it can be to be the victim of this crime. It is even harder to go to someone and tell them you think you were raped, but you don't remember it happening or even who the rapist was, because you didn't see their face or you were too drugged to remember what the person looked like.
I will take your comments into consideration since it is very important for me to make sure people are aware of how horrible this crime is. Thank you very much for your input. It was very interesting to read.
-Janine
3-24-07
Hi Janine. Yes, it would be pretty graphic to describe rape, but that's not what I asked you to describe in your story. I asked for some insights as to how a woman knows she's been violated when she wakes up in the morning. When you write on this site, men also read your work.
Since you want to spread a message, consider making your piece more powerful than it is. I didn't get the sense that the piece you wrote was intended to spread a message. It doesn't come across that way.
Date rape was a cause celebre when I was at San Jose State University 10 years ago , so I got plenty of exposure to the situation. Especially in one of the upper division psych courses I took, which conisted of 300+ women and 10 men. The prof herself insisted it was just a matter of time and she'd be raped. Not date raped, but just raped period. It's a police problem. Meanwhile surveys I've seen indicate that American women fear rape more than anything else. So, it got lots of attention at the university.
So, consider another version to make your piece more potent, and spread the messge.
By the way, in case you didn't know: when you respond to a critique, you should send it to the person who wrote the critique, not to the FlashXer site.
Regards, Mike
3-24-07
Hi Mike.
Your email sounds like you wanted me to describe what a woman feels after she has been raped. Date rape is rape by the way. Just because you know the rapist doesn't mean it isn't rape.
What I was talking about was not just the crime of being raped, but the use of a date rape drug to make it easier for the rapist to rape the victim. Date rape drugs make the crime even worse, because there is less of a chance for the victim to defend him or herself and less recourse with the law because the law can't do too much without evidence and there is less evidence when the victim doesn't understand what happened because they were drugged while it happened.
So because it is even more difficult for the police, FBI or whoever to deal with the crime, it is more of a societal issue. Society needs to know how bad it is and help to stop it because the police can't do it by themselves. They come into the picture after the crime has happened. They don't have much of a chance to stop it before it happens, unless it is a habitual thing.
I am sorry I am not able to help you understand what I am saying.
-Janine
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Last updated 03/30/07