Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THREE MEN
EXERCISE: FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2008
It may be banal, but it certainly doesn't feel as if two months have
gone by,
already. You do a couple of turns around the dance floor of life,
and another
part of the year is gone...and what do we have to show for it? For
my part, not a hell of a lot.
For my part, about 24 prompts, some good, some not so good...but all
of them
terrifically creative, right? (Would you expect anything less of me?)
Some
visits to cemeteries as old friends and comrades go to that last
peaceful (I hope) sleep.
That's about it. No intrigues, no battles, no fights...but a serene
life, so far.
And isn't that dull? You bet your ass.
JESUS, HE/SHE SAID, YOU CAN CUT THE TENSION AT THIS TABLE WITH A KNIFE.
WHAT IN HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
Usual rules apply. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your
name the
word Tension and the story title. Start writing now. Start putting
down the
words that can lead to a fight, to a revolt, to a love affair. All
of those things are
tense as hell. So start now, where it ends, who know.
Anyway, have fun
Irv
3/1/08 Janine's Tension "Three Men" 167 words
She walked into the house and it buzzed with energy. It was as if the room was alive with the thoughts of the three men.
She knew all three men wanted something from her. All of them wanted something a little different, but all of them wanted her in their life.
She wasn't sure if she could play mother to the youngest, tutor to the middle and lover to the eldest without adding to the tension.
She chose to exit the scene, only to be drawn back into it again in a new location.
This time, she played victim to the middle and the youngest and eldest came to their own version of rescue.
Flash forward several years and the tutoring didn't work enough, the middle one is in prison. The youngest is conquering his learning disabilities and the eldest is still considering what to do. Perhaps he will invite her to the symphony again. Maybe this time they will actually get to see the symphony perform.
03/01/08
Hi Janine. See my comments.
Regards, Mike
THREE MEN by Janine Bouyssounouse 167 words
She walked into the house and it buzzed with energy. It was as if the room was alive with the thoughts of the three men. @@@ I have no idea what this sentence means. @@@
She knew all three men wanted something from her. All of them wanted something a little different, but all of them wanted her in their life. @@@ I think this is a far better opener than the one you now have.
She wasn't sure if she could play mother to the youngest, tutor to the middle and lover to the eldest without adding to the tension.
She chose to exit the scene, @@@ Consider changing ‘exit the scene’ with ‘leave.’ @@@
only to be drawn back into it again in a new location.
This time, she played victim to the middle and the youngest and eldest came to their own version of rescue. @@@ Unclear. Don’t know what you are saying here. @@@
Flash forward several years and the tutoring didn't work enough, the middle one is in prison. The youngest is conquering his learning disabilities and the eldest is still considering what to do. Perhaps he will invite her to the symphony again. Maybe this time they will actually get to see the symphony perform. @@@ Strange ending. Strange is good when I can comprehend what’s being said. But this one eluded me. One way to avoid this kind muddy stuff is to write the tale the way you’d articulate it to a friend, over a cup of coffee.
03/02/08
Janine,
Oh, the possibilities I see in this one. Actions/reactions are always good reading. Your hook was good with the intro of 'three men'. Your conflict was intriguing until she got drawn back into a new location. Was it a new location/new people or just a new opportunity? I'm not sure I understood that part. The resolution seemed to suggest that she might be given another chance at the 'symphony of life' that we all create and attend. Flesh this out a bit and I think the reader will benefit from this thought provoking piece. No tech nits that I could see,
Sharon
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 03/02/08