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OH, THOSE MAGICAL YEARS
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: SUNDAY, OCOTOBER 19, 2008
Good morning. Until Irv asked me to fill in for him, I never realized how difficult it is to come up with a prompt. Irv does this 3x/week. Yikes!
A Jimmy Buffett song (Vampires, Mummies and the Holy Ghost) has been playing itself over and over in my head, so that is where the prompt is coming from.
PROMPT: These are the things that terrify me the most.
Usual rules: 1000 words. In the subject line: Your name the word Terrify and the title of your story.
Have fun with it don't let the title of the song distract you. ...Rita
10/19/08 Janine's Terrify "Oh, Those Magical Years" 78 words
"Mommy, what does terrify mean?" said Jan.
"It means to scare someone. Why do you ask?" said Jan's Mom.
"Because Tommy told me I terrified him and I didn't know what he meant."
"JAN!!!" Jan's mom screamed before fainting after looking at her daughter.
"Mrs. Nelson fainted, too. Mommy, wake up. I promise to use the magic wand correctly. I didn't mean to turn my head into a fish head. Would a teddy bear be better?" said Jan.
10/19/08
Hi Janine,
Nice take on the prompt. Short and to the point. It made me laugh. -Rita
10/20/08
Dear Janine,
An amusing piece, although things can be tightened here and there. See my suggestions below.
Jim
"Mommy, what does terrify mean?" said Jan. @@@Correction: should be asked Jan @@@
"It means to scare someone. Why do you ask?" @@@Not needed: said Jan's Mom. - we already know she speaking to her Mother from the previous line of dialogue.@@@
"Because Tommy told me I terrified him and I didn't know what he meant."
"JAN!" @@@Not needed: Again, we already know Jan's mom is speaking. Just tell us she fainted @@@
@@@Not needed: "Mrs. Nelson fainted, too@@@. Mommy, wake up! I promise to use the magic wand correctly. I didn't mean to turn my head into a fish head. Would a teddy bear be better?" @@@Not needed: said Jan.- we already know Jan is speaking@@@
10/20/08
Hi Janine,
A cute little story about precocious kids. A couple of crits below.
Hal
OH, THOSE MAGICAL YEARS by Janine Bouyssounouse 78 words
"Mommy, what does terrify mean?" said Jan.
"It means to scare someone. Why do you ask?" said Jan's Mom.
"Because Tommy told me I terrified him and I didn't know what he meant."
"JAN!!!" Jan's mom screamed before fainting after looking at her daughter. ***you should prep this in the first paragraph by showing the element of surprise. Mom is busy and not paying attention to her daughter while she speaks, and then turns around and sees her.***
"Mrs. Nelson fainted, too. ***Separate this from the next staement with a tag line as it is a little confusing.***Mommy, wake up. I promise to use the magic wand correctly. I didn't mean to turn my head into a fish head. Would a teddy bear be better?" said Jan.
10/20/08
This is a wonderful piece, Janine! Great response to the prompt,
interesting title, and a perfect ending. I only made one comment in your
manuscript.
Harriett
Would a teddy bear be better?" said Jan.@@@I REALLY DON'T LIKE SAID JAN.
THE READER UNDERSTANDS BY THE WORDING AND TONE OF VOICE WHO'S SPEAKING. THE
DIALOG TAG IS DISTRACTING AND TAKES A BIT OF OOMPH OUT OF YOUR HUMOROUS
ENDING@@@
10/21/08
Hey Janine,
This is really clever. Agree with the other comments for tightening and in particular Hal's comment re preparing the reader for the shock along with Mom. Think you need to clarify that she isn't looking at Jan until the end.
Thanks for the smile!
Catherine
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 10/22/08