Flash Exercise Online Portfolio

RESCUE

[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, MAY 30, 2008

Once again, you will be spared my morning ruminations. I don't know why, but for some reason I think I need to get this into your hands so you can write the perfect flash story. Thinking about that (If I could do it, I would) I decided that if you took an ordinary statement that might be the basis for greatness. Here is your ordinary statement

LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. SPELL IT OUT

Now, it is up to you to translate that, mold it and fashion it into something great. We'll all be watching. Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line please, the word Understand, your name and the story title.
Get with it...
greatness lurks just around the corner.
Irv.


05/30/08 Janine's Understand "Rescue" 278 words

"I need to be rescued." Jill said to Frank.

"But you are so independent and doing so well on your own. Why do you need to be rescued?" said Frank.

"I'm not safe. I need to be rescued." Jill said to Jon.

"I don't understand. You never need help." said Jon.

I'm being attacked in my home while I sleep. People are drugging me and hurting me. I need to be rescued." Jill said to Paul.

"You're a very strong woman. I'm not clear on what the problem is." said Paul.

"Doesn't anyone know what the word rescue means? Why can't I find help?" Jill said to Bill.

"But these people you say are attacking you tell us they are helping you." said Bill.

"If I am obviously not being helped by them and I do not want them to drug me or touch my body, then how could they be helpful? These people are committing crimes, not being helpful. Did I spell it out well enough yet?" Jill said to Mitch.

"Oh, you want a safe place to sleep? You want to be allowed to live your life the way you want to live it? You want that whole life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing the constitution talks about? Oh, now I know what you mean by you need to be rescued." said Mitch.

Jill finally got through to the people who were supposed to be helping her. She finally found a way to be safe from her health care stalkers. The people who had the whole world fooled into believing they were being helpful by committing crimes were finally stopped. She was finally safe.



05/30/08
Hi Janine,
Lucid writing. I like your dialogue,the sense of desperation, and how you showed it by each time interspersing another person.

I'm guessing the men were her boyfriends?
I lost the plot at the end. Maybe because I'm not American :) I don't understand why the healthcare workers are stalking her. Why are they drugging her and touching her body? And why won't the boyfriends see?
You made me feel her desperation there.
Is she being taken care of by the government? The end seemed vague to me.. but maybe that's because I'm not clued in to the situation.
Thank you for sharing
Joan


05/30/08
Hi Janine,

Well written tale. Though I found it strange. No critique. -Rita


05/30/08
Hi Janine, In such a concise story, I think you only need to state "I need to be rescued" once. In my opinion, the story flows without the repetition. Michelle


05/30/08
Hi Janine. I found this cryptic and overloaded with characters.

Regards, Mike

CRITIQUE

RESCUE by Janine Bouyssounouse 278 words

"I need to be rescued." Jill said to Frank. @@@ Interesting opener. Makes me want to read more. @@@

"But you are so independent and doing so well on your own. Why do you need to be rescued?" said Frank.

"I'm not safe. I need to be rescued." Jill said to Jon. @@@ Don’t get the connection between not being safe and being rescued. @@@

"I don't understand. You never need help." said Jon.

I'm being attacked in my home while I sleep. People are drugging me and hurting me. I need to be rescued." Jill said to Paul. @@@ I wonder why she didn’t say this to the other guys? @@@

"You're a very strong woman. I'm not clear on what the problem is." said Paul. @@@ Neither is this reader, because you didn’t tell us. So at this point, the story is dragging. @@@

"Doesn't anyone know what the word rescue means? Why can't I find help?" Jill said to Bill. @@@ She is now an unsympathetic character, because you’re painting her as a ding-a-ling. That’s OK, if you amplify this point. However, this is too short to be a character study. @@@

"But these people you say are attacking you tell us they are helping you." said Bill. @@@ Unclear dialog. @@@

"If I am obviously not being helped by them and I do not want them to drug me or touch my body, then how could they be helpful? These people are committing crimes, not being helpful. Did I spell it out well enough yet?" Jill said to Mitch. @@@ This is stalled and is cryptic at this point. @@@

"Oh, you want a safe place to sleep? You want to be allowed to live your life the way you want to live it? You want that whole life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing the constitution talks about? Oh, now I know what you mean by you need to be rescued." said Mitch. @@@ Unsure why M comes to this conclusion. This is dragging. Too many characters to keep track of. @@@

Jill finally got through to the people who were supposed to be helping her. She finally found a way to be safe from her health care stalkers. The people who had the whole world fooled into believing they were being helpful by committing crimes were finally stopped. She was finally safe. @@@ Cryptic ending. @@@


05/30/08
Hi Janine,
I thought you used an interesting structure here, having the protag ask so many different people for help. I liked it and thought it was effective. I'm not sure the men need to reply, though. If you cut the replies (until Mitch), it might be a cleaner read. And I loved the last line.
Linda





website created by Janine Bouyssounouse. Last updated 05/30/08