Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE BIRTHDAY KILLER
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, DEC. 5, 2008
Sorry, if I'm a little late, again. But my contract with
Pam--signed in blood you understand--says I have to have
a prompt on Friday. It doesn't say when. Usually I try to
be earlier, but things being the way they are, I am lucky
I got this done by now. If you object, and object you may,
i have a comment for you: two words. And you know they
ain't "happy birthday". At any rate, here this is. See if it
sparks those wits of yours and gets you thinking...story, story,
story. And then write. Get me. Write it.
HE WAS 61, JUST 61. NOW WHAT THE HELL COULD
A 61 YEAR OLD HAVE DONE TO DIE SO VIOLENTLY?
(hey Pam, I hope you don't mind being the dragon lady
in all of this. But one needs a foil, and you are it. Actually
for the record Pam is always a lady...has never even raised
her fingers in anger and pounded on the keys. She may lots of
reason to, but she remains restrained. And for that, and lots
of other things, I love her dearly--and you should too.)
Usual rules here: 1000 words. In the subject line, please
your name, the word violently, and the story title.
And relax, by the time you are 61, you may only have a few
years to go for Social security, providing there is anything
left. Cross your fingers, and just hope you wont have to be
selling apples on the street, when that time comes.
Enjoy.
Irv
12/05/08 Janine's Violently "The Birthday Killer" 222 words
"He just turned 61 today. What a shame."
"Do you think the killer meant the knife in the chest as a birthday present?" said Dillon to his partner Joe.
"Well, there is a bow on it and a card. That's all I need is a birthday killer on my beat."
"The card says, 'Happy Birthday to the man who ruined my life,' and it's signed 'your dearest admirer.' How's that for a present?"
"Maybe he was being stalked before he died," said Joe.
"Come on. Are there really such things as stalkers? I thought only movie stars got stalked."
"With a note like that, it would be foolish to overlook it. I bet there are other people who know who this dearest admirer is."
Two days later, the two detectives finished talking to fifteen people who knew the victim. All of them felt he was being stalked. None of them knew what to do about it.
The suspect promptly admitted to being the dearest admirer. He even admitted to being the killer. He then asked to be taken to the psych ward since he was obviously a danger to others.
The prosecutors looked at the suspect's suggestion to go to the psych ward as a way to get away with murder. The jury agreed. The stalker was convicted and sentenced to death.
12/05/08
This reads like an outline for a story rather than a story itself.
The impersonal, third-person objective POV leaves me with little to
care about - either character or action. Perhaps if I knew more about
the killer, the victim, or even one of the cops, I could hook onto
that. There is plenty of room here if you develop it more fully.
--Eric
12/06/08
Hi Janine. I'm afraid you lost me on this story. I like the basic idea of
a stalker who kills and leaves behind a happy birthday card. It's creepy
enough to catch the reader's attention, but the story needs more depth to
make it work.
Harriett.
12/06/08
Hi Janine,
Cute story. Too bad the victims friends didnt do something to help.
One obsrevation, you had the perpetrator admitting the killing, but we have no clue about how he(she) was apprehended.
Thanks for the read.
Hal
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website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 12/07/08