Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
IT'S ALL IN THE DELIVERY
[FlashXer] EXERCISE: FRIDAY, JANUARY 9, 2009
Admittedly, this prompt has a cliche in it. But what
a cliche: one that has been used over and over again by
lecherous men on the prowl. And, of course, it has been
used by other folks as well...my suggestion is that you use
it to build a story...and could be a humdinger. See how it
works out...
"LOOK", HE SAID, USING A HASH WHISPER THAT
REEKED OF INSINCERITY, "I PROMISE YOU THIS WON'T HURT AT ALL"
Usual rules. 1000 words. In the subject line, please, your
name, the word Whisper and the story title.
No holds barred on this one, just make sure if you get
"earthy" you put a warning in the subject line...that way
no one should complain about content.
Have a very good time, this should be fun...
and should you get aroused, you are on your own.
Irv
01/09/09 Janine's Whisper "It's All In The Delivery" 30 words
"I promise you this won't hurt at all."
"I don't believe you."
"What is there not to trust? You look beautiful."
"Oh my, these earrings do look lovely. Thank you."
01/09/09
Hi Janine,
Here are my comments.
Regards, Mike
CRITIQUE
IT'S ALL IN THE DELIVERY by Janine Bouyssounouse 30 words
"I promise you this won't hurt at all."
"I don't believe you."
"What is there not to trust? You look beautiful." @@@ I don’t get the connection of the second sentence with the first. @@@
"Oh my, these earrings do look lovely. Thank you." @@@ This story is unclear to me. Was this just a tale of somebody who was wary of ear piercing? If so, it ended a bit too fast. Sometimes micro-fiction doesn’t work. In this case, this reads more like a vignette than a complete story. @@@
01/10/09
Hi Janine,
I understand where you were going with this, but I think it needs a little fleshing out. The conflict needs to be explored a little further, vaguely if possible, so that the end-twist smacks the reader a little harder. You have a good idea, it just needs a little more development.
Paul
01/10/09
Janine,
I got the earing quickly and felt a little bit of adolescent friendship. I would have liked to have more complexities such a relationship revealed.
I have had quite a time contemplating whether believe/trust are a match. It got me considering how sometimes a person says one thing and the listener choses to hear something else. One day I'm going to use that (with a different word pair of course).
But, I couldn't tie in the title.
Anyway, thanks
Byron
01/10/09
Hola Janine,
Interesting take on the prompt, or I may not get it.
What I got is that this is about either a man or a woman
getting their ears pierced and receiving new earrings, or
just receiving a new set of earrings. I guess if they are
the screw on type the could hurt.
See I'm confused.
01/12/09
Hi Janine,
That has got to be the quickest, easiest ear piercing ever. She didn't even notice when the clerk switched ears? -Rita
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 01/14/09