Flash Exercise Online Portfolio
THE HIDDEN OBJECT
[FlashXer] EXERCISE, SUNDAY JANUARY 27, 2008
Those of you who know about Angela Hoy's Writer's Weekly site
know that the 'famous' 24 hour writing contest is on now. It will end
at 1 pm, CST today. I enter it every time, although I have not been
particularly successful: a couple of mentions over the years,
and a few prizes. (I won in the fall, but haven't even claimed my
prize---
nothing that I wanted). In case you are interested, it costs $5 to
participate...
and the numbers are limited to 500. I find he challenge worth the
five bucks,
even though the prompts are often strange. However, we all suffer
with the
same outrageous prompts...so i thought I would share today's with you.
Here it is. You have to touch on the prompt in some way so we know
you are writing to this situation. I find it hard to imagine that
anyone would
be writing on their to this sort of thing: but who knows. Here it is,
and you
can enjoy it without participating...except that you can't enter the
contest.
TODAY'S TOPIC!
She always kept the object safe and close to her. Mama made
her repeat the promise over and over again during those last
days. "I will never show it to a living soul. I will never
show it to a living soul."
She cried about Mama less now, not as much as she had
before. She was missing Mama now as she did each night when
she removed her scuffed shoes. She then carefully peeled the
gray sock off her foot, and waited for the familiar object
to fall out. Nothing happened. Panicked, she quickly turned
her sock inside-out. It was gone.
Now if you think my prompts are strange, consider this one. Usual rules,
1000 words. In the subject line, please, your name, the words Winter
Conest and
the story title. One of the laments that Angela has all the time is
that the endings
tend to be lousy. So think of that too. I suspect that that may be
one of the crits
she would make about my story...which I am getting ready to submit.
After I sub it to her, I may send it out to you all. If I do, I would
welcome your
comments...although of course it will be too late to change my story.
Still,
your opinion will be valued. Tuesday we go back to my usual prompt.
But I
thought this would be interesting to you. I hope it is.
Have fun.
Irv
Janine's Winter Contest "The Hidden Object" 614 words
She always kept the object safe and close to her. Mama made
her repeat the promise over and over again during those last
days. "I will never show it to a living soul. I will never
show it to a living soul."
She cried about Mama less now, not as much as she had
before. She was missing Mama now as she did each night when
she removed her scuffed shoes. She then carefully peeled the
gray sock off her foot, and waited for the familiar object
to fall out. Nothing happened. Panicked, she quickly turned
her sock inside-out. It was gone.
There was no way to lose it. Something else must have happened. It was always tucked away at the bottom of her foot, reminding her of her promise to her mom.
She jumped at the sound of a knock at the door. No one visited her, not since Mama died.
The man pushed past her as she opened the door. He walked around the one room hovel, stood in the corner and motioned for her to close the door.
"I believe I have what you're missing."
"Didn't your mother tell you what this object is?" He held it up for her to see that he did indeed have it.
"Didn't she explain how to use it? I was in need of it and so I called for it and here it is in my hand."
Her now trembling hands still clung to the doorknob. She contemplated running for her life, but she had to know more.
"Tell me, sir. Did you know my Mama?"
"I would think that would be obvious by now. She and I were partners. She asked me not to show myself to you, so I respected her wishes, but things are different now. I need your assistance."
"Me? What can I do?"
"Call to it."
"What?"
"Concentrate on the object and call it to you as I did to get it away from you."
She pulled her hands away from the doorknob to see it in her palms.
"You're a natural. It took my quite a while to get that good. I can see your mother entrusted it to the right person."
"What is it?"
"It does not have a name, only a function. It allows the holder to hide from this world and to slip into other dimensions parallel to this one. Come let me show you." He put his hands around hers and they shimmered into invisibility.
"Walk with me down the street."
She watched as people did not stir, did not see them, did not even hear them.
"Now come with me to my home." She saw a beautiful land filled with flowers, grassy hills, trees and a house near a stream.
"This is Starry Grove, your rightful home. You are the Queen of Starland, as your mother was before you. I am just the one tending to your duties until you were old enough to take your rightful place as Queen. Your mother felt it was best to raise you in the other world to help you appreciate the life of the commoner. She felt it would make you a better ruler."
All the years of poverty were behind her now. As the ruler of a magical land, she watched it flourish and prosper. She took a mate late in life, had a daughter and went back to the other world. She left her trusted mate to rule the land while she raised her daughter as it has been done for centuries, passing the scepter from mother to daughter with a trusted mate to bridge the gap and bring the next Queen to power.
1/28/08
Hi Janine. Nice response in the form of a fable to this weird prompt. I made some nitty comments for your consideration.
Regards, Mike
THE HIDDEN OBJECT by Janine Bouyssounouse 614 words
She always kept the object safe and close to her. Mama made
her repeat the promise over and over again during those last
days. "I will never show it to a living soul. I will never
show it to a living soul."
She cried about Mama less now, not as much as she had
before. She was missing Mama now as she did each night when
she removed her scuffed shoes. She then carefully peeled the
gray sock off her foot, and waited for the familiar object
to fall out. Nothing happened. Panicked, she quickly turned
her sock inside-out. It was gone.
There was no way to lose it. @@@ Doesn’t add up. The previous sentence leads us to believe she lost it. Perhaps drop this sentence, and in the next sentence, something along these lines: she wondered what could have happened. @@@
Something else must have happened. It was always tucked away at the bottom of her foot, reminding her of her promise to her mom. @@@ By the way, if something is tucked under a foot, you can feel it constantly when you walk, stand. Consequently, the protag would know when it’s missing, very quickly. @@@
She jumped at the sound of a knock at the door. No one visited her, not since Mama died.
The man pushed past her as she opened the door. He walked around the one room hovel, stood in the corner and motioned for her to close the door.
"I believe I have what you're missing."
"Didn't your mother tell you what this object is?" He held it up for her to see that he did indeed have it. @@@ Move this dialog so that it’s flush with the previous line of dialog just above. @@@
"Didn't she explain how to use it? I was in need of it and so I called for it and here it is in my hand."
Her now trembling hands @@@ Consider dropping ‘now.’ @@@
still clung to the doorknob. She contemplated running for her life, but she had to know more. @@@ I’m unsure why she feels her life is threatened. The intruder hasn’t done anything or said anything that’s threatening. @@@
"Tell me, sir. Did you know my Mama?"
"I would think that would be obvious by now. @@@ How could this be obvious when the protag never saw or heard of this man? @@@
She and I were partners. She asked me not to show myself to you, so I respected her wishes, but things are different now. I need your assistance."
"Me? What can I do?"
"Call to it."
"What?"
"Concentrate on the object and call it to you as I did to get it away from you." @@@ Doesn’t add up. She didn’t do anything to will it away, wish it away, or call it away. @@@
She pulled her hands away from the doorknob to see it in her palms. @@@ Unclear. @@@
"You're a natural. It took my quite a while to get that good. I can see your mother entrusted it to the right person."
"What is it?"
"It does not have a name, only a function. It allows the holder to hide from this world and to slip into other dimensions parallel to this one. Come let me show you." He put his hands around hers and they shimmered into invisibility. @@@ Neat idea. Well expressed. @@@
"Walk with me down the street."
She watched as people did not stir, did not see them, did not even hear them.
"Now come with me to my home." She saw a beautiful land filled with flowers, grassy hills, trees and a house near a stream.
"This is Starry Grove, your rightful home. You are the Queen of Starland, as your mother was before you. I am just the one tending to your duties until you were old enough to take your rightful place as Queen. Your mother felt it was best to raise you in the other world to help you appreciate the life of the commoner. She felt it would make you a better ruler."
All the years of poverty were behind her now. As the ruler of a magical land, she watched it flourish and prosper. She took a mate late in life, had a daughter and went back to the other world. She left her trusted mate to rule the land while she raised her daughter as it has been done for centuries, passing the scepter from mother to daughter with a trusted mate to bridge the gap and bring the next Queen to power.
website created by Janine Bouyssounouse.
Last updated 01/28/08