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Assignment 3 Mechanics 2

Assignment for Session Three
Write a 250-word essay arguing that you deserve a raise at work. Your audience is your boss. The first thing you should do is make a list of your accomplishments: how you've helped the company; how you've been a team player; why sales are up because of you; etc. These points should figure in your topic sentences, as you'll want to introduce each topic then explain it in the rest of the paragraph.

Remember to write succinctly; that is, don't belabor the issue. Just say what needs to be said and then move on to the next paragraph. After all, you don't want to lose your boss' attention! Keep in mind periodic sentence structure from Session Two—keeping the good stuff for the end. Apply that to paragraph structure as well, building up to finish on the strongest note possible. Use clear, strong transitions so your boss can easily make the connection between each of your great qualities as an employee, and finish off with a summary sentence restating all your stellar qualities.

When you're finished, walk away for a while and think about how it would be if you could actually give this to your boss! Then come back and revise it before sending it in to your instructor for feedback, paying attention to grammar, word choice, sentence structure, etc.

If you don't have a boss, or you don't need a raise (you lucky devil), present a case for something else you feel strongly about—a community swimming pool, a change in the electoral system, your child's curfew. Think about your subject and the audience for your "argument" carefully, and present your points logically and clearly so that you make the best possible case for your position.


Exit Exam Prep
Helping Other Students
Graduates vs. Dropouts
Individual Plans for Success for Each Student

The situation is different for me. Not working for corporate America anymore, I don’t get to have a say in how much of a raise I get or if I get one. It is automatic within parameters. The problem with working for a charter school is that nothing is stable and things change on a dime. So, this is written more to keep my job, rather than to get a raise.


As I near the end of my fourth year of teaching at VIE, I find myself appreciating the work done over the years. The teachers in Tahoe work as a team to help our more challenging students to pass the Exit Exam as well as pass their classes to graduate from high school.

These students need individual assistance and instruction in most of their subjects. They also need encouragement to continue. They need to hear positive voices telling them they can do it. Most of these students have received a great deal of negative feedback over the years, so cheering them on for even the smallest accomplishment becomes the key to success for many of them.

The Tahoe teachers teach classes to prepare for the Exit Exam, pass math classes, learn how to write different types of essays, and give individual assistance for other courses, such as science and history. The Tahoe learning center deserves to stay open to help the over one hundred students in this outlying area. The standard school settings do not work for these students, so having an alternative available to them can mean the difference between graduating and dropping out of school. Please accept this note as a reason to continue supporting the work done so far away from the main campus for students who have no way of getting there. We are here to support our students.


Instructor's Feedback/Discussion (ascending order)

Instructor Blue: Hi Janine—
Great job! I think this is persuasive for keeping the schools open (and for certifying that you should get a raise, too!).
Good job with language and structure control. The material is clear and well organized. I don’t know that I have suggestions that are terribly useful – but I’ll mention those things that come to mind.
When you introduce an acronym, it’s a good idea to provide the full name with the acronym in parentheses – after that, use the acronym (I’m assuming that VIE is an acronym).
Then, if you use another name for the same sort of thing, some sort of explanation might be necessary. For instance, I don’t know if Tahoe is the name of the organization or just the location – which could leave a reader wondering what/where VIE is.
Of course, one could make the assumption that the audience for this material would understand, but my approach is to try to write material that would be clear to people who aren’t “insiders”; that way I know that there won’t be any communication problems.
I don’t think you need the “to” before “pass” in the second sentence; however, for the purpose of parallelism, I would use “to” before the next “pass,” too, if you use it the first time.
Good transition to the next paragraph. We know we’re getting more information about what “challenging” means in the first paragraph. The word “these” keeps readers oriented as to the subject.
The next paragraph also moves smoothly into additional information about the teachers here. This is moving into the more detailed subject matter, away from the students, so this is a logical paragraph break.
The sentence structure of the first sentence here is a little ragged, which can create confusion. We have some strong verbs here for what teachers do: prepare, pass – but then there is the “learn how,” which doesn’t function as these other verbs do – it sounds as if the teachers teach classes to learn (themselves) how to write different types of essays. This is complicated by the fact that the final part of this sentence IS about what teachers give rather than what they help students do. Although many readers wouldn’t easily identify how/why they felt a little lost here, I think that it would be the lack of parallel structure. An example of revision:
***
...teach classes to enable students to prepare for the Exit Exam, pass math class, and write different types of essays; teachers also give individual assistance for other courses, such as science and history.
***
This paragraph is a little long. I might break it with “The Tahoe learning center deserves to stay open...” because we’re moving from what the teachers do to what the center needs. I realize that this creates a one sentence paragraph, which many people frown upon, but I think the clarity is enhanced that way (keeping in mind that people these days are into “bites” of information).
With such a break, I think the final plea works for this paragraph.
Rather than use “so far away” and “the main campus,” specifics might help. You don’t want readers to get lost as you’re wrapping up your piece. I would say “miles away” or even give the number of miles, and I would name the campus. “So” as an intensifier isn’t correct. I might even break after “campus” to intensify the distance. Imagine something such as:
***
...to continue supporting the work done here at Tahoe, thirty miles from the main VIE campus; without your help, our students have no way to travel the distance to either the main campus or to graduation. We are here...
***
I realize that might be totally inappropriate for what you’re trying to say since I don’t know the details; however, what I’m trying to suggest is that you provide those details.
I hope, as always, that some of this is useful.
Great work!
M

3/14/2006 6:53:44 PM

website created by Janine Bouyssounouse. Last updated 02/07/07